Entry 5

Esther no longer shuffled. Her steps were brisk as she bustled into a large, windowed office, pan-optic. I followed, staring down at a scientific laboratory filled with people in white uniforms.

"Esther, what is this place? Why so secret?"

"I figured you didn't hear a word I was saying while we were in the tunnel. Don't worry, I'll get back to it." She shuffled some papers, turned and looked in a filing cabinet, not answering my questions at all.

"Dr. O. So glad you're back."I turned to see a giant of a man standing outside the door, stooping to look in. A dwarf, now a giant. What was this, a retreat for those with unusual physical attributes? And why was I here?

"Danny Boy, come in," Esther said without turning toward him. "I want you to meet Sassy Cambridge. Sassy, Daniel." She swiveled in her chair and grinned at us.

"Hi, Daniel." I stretched out my hand as I rose. He was next to me in one stride, his head just clearing the ceiling.

"Ah, Sassy Cambridge, we've been waiting for you." His voice rumbled across the surface of my being. My hand felt tiny as he took it gently. He sank to the floor, crossed legged at my feet, and looked at Esther.

"She's here."

"What do you mean, you've been expecting me?" Esther and now Daniel, or was I to call him Danny Boy also. Kinda cute, I had to admit. But there was something odd about him also. I couldn't place it until he turned his head and caught my eyes with his odd colored ones: one brown, one blue or was it green? A very unique person. Once again I longed for my camera. How to shoot him? I could do a book just on the angles and planes of his face, on showing his height, exaggerating it or diminishing it but accentuating it with a change of lens.

"Didn't Dr. O tell you?" I loved his voice. "No. Or maybe," I fumbled.

"Of cource I did." Esther chuckled. "But do you think she heard a single word while we were speeding along in the tunnel? No. Not a word." She shook her head."Sassy, you go along with Daniel. He'll give you the overview. I don't want to exhaust you on your first visit. Danny Boy, was there something you needed to talk about?" She glanced his way, dismissing me.

"I'll explain it later. We've had some unusual results in Unit 501. It will be my pleasure to escort Ms. Cambridge about the premises."

"Sassy, please."

"Unusual results? Do I need to examine it immediately?" Esther frowned. I wondered if I should call her "Dr. O" while I was in her professional realm.

"I think it's alright, Dr. O. But very interesting." I felt he was hedging on any details on my account. I was more curious than ever. Maybe he'd let something slip. Something was going on here and I would find out. No more lallygagging, no more giving into physical sensations of deprivation. I had to pay attention, be on the ball, get rid of my cliches and draw some conclusions.

"Come, Sassy." He rose effortless from his position on the floor and grabbed my hand. I followed, feeling his vibration through our clasped hands. Deirdre would love to tell me what that was about. She's always urging me to pay attention to the subtle level of life, to interpret every nuance. I prefer to stay in the here and now, thank you very much.I was almost running to keep up with Danny Boy. "Uh, what's the hurry?" I finally asked after we'd passed many doors and I was as curious as Alice in Wonderland.

He glanced back at me and stopped. "I forget sometimes. Forgive me. Just speak up, like you did, and remind me. I can be a thoughtless oaf at times."

"I don't think you're an oaf."

He grinned at that."Thank you." Again the deep rumble of his voice touched me."We'll take this elevator and go down to the main lab. Let me explain briefly. Dr. O has studied many things. She's an MD and a homeopath. She's an herbalist and an aromatherapist. Plus she studied Auruvedic medicine in India. And she's a researcher."

I nodded, remembering some of her books.

"She's trying to meld eastern and western medicine and come up with a new paradym for healing. We still have to keep the stem cell research under wraps. She's taking the premise of homeopathy and applying to stem cell research. The potential for helping the world is beyond current perception."

"Interesting." I could think of nothing else to say. I was catching on. The stem cell issue had been up for years and blocked by government intervention based on some antiquated religious beliefs that seeped into legislation.

"Plus the vibrational attributes that can be added by intention. Are you following me. These concepts are not being addressed by mainstream medicine at the moment. The alternative healers go their way, thinking it is best. The docs do what they learned in school which doesn't leave much room for experimenting. And that's where Dr. O comes in."

The elevator stopped but we just stood there talking as I looked out on the lab floor.

"How do you come into the picture, Danny Boy?" Oh. I let that one slip. "Daniel."

"I'd like you to call me Danny Boy." A sparkling grin told me he meant it. "I met Dr. O years ago on a research project in Guatemala. We stayed in touch on and off for a long time. When she wanted to set up this research facility she asked me to help. I've been here ever since."

"How can a place like this not be discovered. Where do the workers live? Doesn't anyone in Fondis suspect? Is it really top secret?"

"Whoa. One at at time. We have a cover. You'll see when you go above ground. We are on the outskirts of the industrial complex. The upper level is an internet warehouse. GetSirius. Rather like Amazon. Have you heard of GetSirius.com? We started out with books and branched out. Our motto is quality. All our workers wear the same uniforms as we do down here. No one knows the difference. We have over 500 employees up there. We're good for the town of Fondis."

I shook my head. I'd only done a few interviews with folks in the industrial complex. It seemed like a good scheme. And it must be working. I'd seen TV ads for GetSirius.com

"Come. I'll show you around. To the left we grow our herbs. To the right, they are made into herbal remedies or homeopathic remedies. In front of us, behind the steel doors, is our top security stem cell research." His long arm indicated each section that I'd seen from above in Esther's office.

"But how can things grow below ground?"

"Easy. See the lighting units? They are all full spectrum lighting, replicating the patterns of the sun and the seasons. You can actually see and feel the sun rise and set here. Our workdays are aligned to natural lighting. We work shorter hours in the winter. Our research shifts to a more inward pattern, just like nature."

"It's all rather hard to fathom," I said, following him down an aisle of cilantro and parsley.

"Enough for one day, I'm sure. How are you feeling?"

"Fine. On overload, though."

Danny Boy stepped to a digital panel on the wall, punched in a code and spoke. "Tea time?"

Dr. O's voice came back, crystal clear. "Take her topside. We'll drive back to my place."

Entry 4

I dont' know whether to laugh or cry. I'm sitting in this cylindrical glass contraption next to Esther who is chatting along about various and sundry scientific advancements and I wish I had my tape recorder because I can't pay attention to anything she's saying. We are speeding, warp speed I'm sure, along some underground mass transit unit. I mean, what's happening? This is Fondis, not some Jetson cartoon or sci fi thriller. I can't wait to tell Isis about this. She'll probably write a novel about it. Well, I'm not supposed to "tell." Esther trusts me. Do I trust Esther? At the moment I'm not at all sure. First of all, she's pretending to be a weird little old lady living in a falling down old house. She's old alright but sharper than a tack. I hate it when writers use cliches.

You can tell I"m really out of it here.Physically I don't know what's going on. I feel light headed and there is a strange, low level vibration rocking in my body. I can't tell how this unit is powered but there is a digital readout panel that Esther nudged with a gnarled finger.Back to Esther. She's really Dr. Esther Buland Ortez with more acronyms after her name than the alphabet. I've read some of her books when doing scientific research for other articles. She used to live someplace in South America and of course did lots of studies in Europe and Greece. I don't have a perspective here on what's going on, what she's really up to and why I'm riding along here beneath Fondis.I figured we went down about six stories in the elevator. It was so fast it was hard to estimate but I'm pretty good with physical reality and have a built in compass, which means I always know where north is. I think we're headed east. But all my sensory input is out of whack and I could be headed for the moon for all I know.

"Are you following this, Sassy?" She turns her brightly made up face to me and frowns. "Oh, dear, you look a little peaked. Now just a minute." She rummages in a pocket of her flowing blouse and retrieves a small vial. "Here. Take one of these. It's hard to get used to subsurface travel. I do forget about these things. Sorry."

I'm somewhat reluctant to take the unknown tablet and pull back but she's already pushing it under my tongue. Oh, well. I'm already on this ride so I'll just see where it follows. As the pill dissolves, I actually do feel better.

"What did you give me, Esther?"

"I know you have a good background. Yes, yes. I've checked you out. You are familiar with homeopathy, yes?"

I nod. "I am. I wrote a story about that famous Fondis homeopath--"

"My friend. Yes. I read it. Very perceptive writing. That's what I've been trying to tell you about. We really mustn't throw the baby out with the bathwater. It is time to weave the old and the new together. Not carry disdain about western medicine or any allopathic methods. Not to think one is better than the other. There now, you're looking better."

"I'm healthy as a horse." Was I destined to speak in cliches for the rest of the afternoon? "So I am not personally biased in any direction. I don't go to the doctor but I've interviewed almost all of them in Fondis. And all the alternative healers that I can find."

"I've read all your articles for years."

I can't seem to get that in my head.

"That is why you were chosen. Your background. Your open mindedness. And my need for an outside observer." She leaned forward and fiddled with a dial.

"Esther, I feel like a fish out of water without my camera and tape recorder." Jeez.

"I know, Sassy. Don't worry about it now. Just tune into the whole picture."

The subterrranian two person speed cylinder came gently to a stop. My whole body vibrated as I stood and followed her down a brightly lit passage. I was certain we were well beyond the Fondis city limits.Esther palmed a digital pad and pressed her chin onto a cupped shelf, adjusting an iris scanner.

"Just do what I did," she instructed.

"I don't understand." The understatement of the day. "I believe this is security that identified you by your palm print and your iris. It can't identify me."

"We want you to have future access. I've programmed it to scan you know and record. Now step up here." She adjusted the chin pad to my height. Reluctantly I stepped forward. The more I know the more I know others know. I still have a little "1984" paranoia going on. Especially since the Patriot Act went into effect. The big "they" know more and more and we know les and less. Now some big gopher hole in the ground will know some of my deepest secrets. My eye and only my eye, a unique pattern, like a snowflake. In the long run, it doesn't matter. As Aunt Ruby used to say, "What will it mean in one hundred years?" Not much.

Entry 3

email from deirdrehmoon@yahoo.com

Sassy--are you okay? I'm sitting here in the yurt in front of the fire, gazing into my crystal ball. The faeries were dancing all around and then they split and I saw your face and you were so out of focus like something weird was going on. I just know something is wrong or the faeries would still be here.I'll send this to your work and home email. Let me know if you need anything.

Blessings in all ways,
LoveDeirdre

Entry 2

I was still stunned as we stood in the small garden behind the house. Esther deadheaded some geraniums and I just watched, my mouth still open. I'd been working on a series about one hundred years old houses in the Fondis area. The crazy wild woman was only going to be a bonus to highlight the story. I'd told her all that on the phone. No not that everyone thought she was crazy. Just about the series. She'd been reading it, said it was okay. What did I do now that I recognised her as a very famous person, obviously in cognito.She'd been giving dates and facts about the house, now pointing to an addition her grandfather had made. I was glad the tape recorder was voice activated. I'd catch the details when I transcribed the tape. Most reporters scribble on a narrow pad. I pride myself on accurate quotes and it's proved beneficial many times. Especially when I'm quoting a local cop who trying to hide something illicit.

"Come on, girl. Oh, excuse me. Sassy. Keep up." She shuffled along a path lined with blooming lavender, an alyssum border. "Here, I want you to meet Cassandra." A beautiful head popped up from behind a rose bush. A child. But not. When she stood I saw that she was a miniature woman.

"Glad to meet you," I said, extending my hand and smiling while trying not to stare. "My name's Sassy."

"Yes. I know," her voice was golden. "I read your articles. I'm so happy to meet you." Her smile glowed like the yellow hybrid tea rose that she handed me.

"Knew you two would hit it off," Esther chuckled. "Now come along and look at this rose bush over here. It's over two hundred years old. Should fit right in with your story. I took a shot of the two of them fusing over a dead bloom--or that's what I thought.

"Cassandra's worried about you. Thinks you'll know too much."I frowned. It was my job to know too much. People always told me too much. I am very discreet about what I chose to write. I have a good reputation--as long as I stay away from investigative reporting. I'd hardly asked any questions and already had enough to write what I needed for the old house series.
Cassandra moved out of view, tending another plant.

"I want to know everything," I said bluntly.

"Of cource you do. And you will be select in what you write. Because you will know almost everything by day's end. It is time for someone to know. You were specially selected."

What? I'd called her. Now, wait a minute. Who suggested that her house would be interesting? I couldn't remember. I'd have to check the notes on my cluttered desk."Day's end?" I was befuddled.

"Of cource. You'll stay for tea and I'll show you everything. You have enough for your story, yes?"

I was more unnerved by her awareness of my thoughts."Yes."

"Now it's time to put the camera away and turn off the tape recorder."

"No," I responded at once. I was very possessive about the tools of my trade.

"Don't worry. Cassandra?" The tiny woman was instantly at her side. "Please make sure Sassy's camera bag is secured safely." She smiled. Cassandra reached for my bag and took it against my objection, carrying the weight easily. I followed.Next to a tool shed, she opened a cupboard hidden beneath honeysuckle. Deftly she twirled the combination to open a large safe. Cassandra turned and smiled at me.

"It will be safe here. Your camera, please." She tucked it into the bag. "And your tape recorder."

Reluctantly I slipped it out of my pocket and handed it to her. She zipped the side pocket closed and placed the camera bag into the safe, and closed it.

"But how will I get it back?"

"Don't worry, Sassy." She closed the wooden door that hid the safe and padlocked it. "Here is the key. The combination to the safe is the last four numbers of your phone number."

What was I getting myself into? I slipped the key into my jean pocket.

"Over here," Esther yelled.

Cassandra's tiny hand grabbed mine. "C'mon. This will be fun." She giggled and I followed, deciding that curiosity was my bane and blessing as usual.

Esther was sitting on a garden bench petting the calico cat. I sat down beside her, pulled my cap off and rubbed the stubble of hair. She glanced at me with alarm."I didn't know you were having chemo. Cassandra, why didn't we know this?" She glanced at the little woman squatting to arrange a misplaced stone on the path's edge.

"No. You misunderstand," I hurried to explain. "My friend Maggie had a double mastectomy and then chemo. To support her, I shaved my head. It's just starting to grow out."

Esther clucked and shot a glance to Cassandra. "Umm humm. Fine. You scared me. We try to be very selective. Not let something like that slip by. Yes, I think we know about your friend. I'm sorry for what she's been through. It is hard for friends to stand by and feel helpless. That's part of what my work is about."

I slid the cap back on my head to shade my eyes from the piercing sun that shone through billowing clouds. Esther took my hand and turned it palm up. Cassandra scurried forward to stare into it.

"What?" I asked. I was on the wrong assignment here. This part should have been Deirdre's. She was always doing airy fairy stories.

"A very long life," Esther said.

"A healer," Cassandra noted, running a finger across the "M" in my left palm.

"A star woman," Esther pointed to several places where I could see nothing. "Enough. We could spend the day looking into your past and future. Let us be with the present." She rose with the ease of a much younger woman and walked toward the tool shed.

Cassandra pulled a key from beneath her black tunic and unlocked the door. The entire shed concealed an elevator. I must be dreaming. I glanced back at the shabby old house and the well tended gardens and heard the elevator door slide open. I followed Esther in.

"Cassandra will stay here. We expect a guest for tea time." Cassandra smiled and waved as the door slid shut. My stomach lurched as we decsended with great speed.

"Where are we going?" I managed as I looked for floor numbers to be indicated.

"I told you I'd show you all. This is all off the record. I have done my research you see. You came to interview the crazy old lady in the ancient old house. You've done that. Now you will see one of the great secrets of Fondis. Everyone who works here has Absolute Security Clearance. No. Not anything to do with the government. That's why it has to be so secure. We are doing research for the greatest good. But there are those who would malign our projects."

The elevator stopped suddenly. I couldn't tell how far beneath the surface we were but there was a strange feeling in my ears and I was trying to sort out what I was hearing.

"There was recently a threat. That is why I want you to know about this. You are my safety link. You do not need to know why I trust you. I do. I also know you recognise who I am. You will only write the article about the crazy old lady in the house. Listen to the tape and you will only hear my local yocal accent and language. It will be a fine story. I need your reporter's awareness for what you are about to see."

The doors slid open and I followed Esther into the stainless steel room with endless digital panels.

Entry 1-November 1, 2004

If you can't find Entry 1, that's fine. I can't either so I am re-posting. Will try to get it all up this week if you want to follow along in the adventures of Sassy Cambridge, our heroine.
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Monday, November 01, 2004

I stepped cautiously up the uneven steps, hoping they'd hold. I'd noticed the battered old house for years and always wondered who lived here. Now I had an appointment with the wild woman every one claimed had never been out of the house. I didn't believe it after a pleasant phone conversation with a woman who sounded perfectly rational. She didnt' sound wild. She sounded like my grandmother. Rumor also had it that she was famous. Well, I would find out soon enough. The pros and cons of being a reporter.No doorbell. Almost no door. It tilted at an angle, the bottom panes of glass missing. A calico cat hissed and flew out from the back porch past my ankles. Maybe the old lady was a witch and that was her familiar. But I must keep an open reporter's mind, non judgmental and looking always for the story behind the story.The door creaked as I pushed on it and called out.

"Anybody home?"No reply. Easing my way into the small porch cluttered with ages of debris, I almost had second thoughts. I'd heard of old people dying when a stack of clutter fell, pinning them beneath a pile of some important stack of stuff.Tripping over a collection of worn shoes and goloshes (who uses goloshes anymore?), I knocked at the door.

"Come in--you're late," she yelled as she pulled the door open and glared at me. The valleys of her face shadowed beneath a yellow towel turbined around her head. A bright red towel swathed her sagging naked body. I hesitated. If I was late, why wasn't she ready?A massive white beast lumbered toward me. I backed up. A Great Pyrenees. I recognised the breed from a dog show I'd covered. Jeez.

"Oh, that's Jill. Don't worry about her." I did."Now follow me." She turned and headed toward the kitchen. " Get these dishes done first and then--oh, do hurry. That girl from the paper will be here in an hour."

"Uh, Excuse me, Mrs. Buland," I said."Forget that formal garbage. Call me Esther." She stopped and looked over her shoulder.

"Okay. Esther. I am the girl from the paper." I never call myself girl--but I wasn't going to quibble now. I wanted the interview. I already had plenty of good images for a feisty story. I doubted if she'd get the cultural/political implications of my preferring to be called a woman. Whatever.She spun around, her pale blue eyes wide.

"You're Sassy Cambridge?"I nodded. She must read the Fondis Daily News and recognise my byline.Esther Buland frowned, adding to the geography of her face. "I thought you was the cleaning girl. Now, I have to say you're early. Not late. Well, no matter. It can't be helped now. And it don't much matter if that girl comes now or not. Since you're already here and seen this mess. Follow me." She headed down the hall and I did as I was told. For once. The dog pushed past me, guarding her mistress."Sit here, girl," she said referring to me, not the dog, who settled like a massive white rug on the floor guarding the doorway and consequently the little old lady.

"You can call me Sassy," I said in the same tone she'd told me to call her Esther. She laughed. This was going to be okay. I sat on the edge of the bed indicated. She flipped lights on over the sink in the adjoining bathroom. The counter was cluttered with make up, perfume and jewelry.

"Okay, Sassy. I'm just goin' to get along with what I was about to do and you can ask me questions. When I've got my face on and get dressed, I'll take you out back. Esther flipped a switch on a small CD player and Bruce Springsteen roared to life. "Oh. Does this bother you?" she shouted. "I need a little energy to get goin' in the mornin'." We both laughed.

"Well, I was going to ask you some questions and the music will override my tape recorder," I said and pulled the mini tape recorder from the camera bag I'd plopped on the floor.

"What?" she yelled, shook her head, and turned off the CD. "Sorry. I just put that on out of habit. I do a lot of that these days. Habit, ya know." I nodded and pushed the button on my recorder as Esther rubbed cream unto her wrinkled face.

"How long have you lived in Fondis?"

"Born here." She brushed purple shadow across her eyelids.

"Have you lived here all your life?"

"Nope. Just long enough to get bad habits in how I talk. They weren't much for grammar when I was a kid. But no, I can do better. I'll try. Just a bad habit. Lived in India for a few years with an old aunt when my folks got killed in the famous Fondis Bank robbery. When Auntie Ruby died, I went to live in England. They set me straight in that very strict school about proper English. I think I rebelled." She chuckled. A lot of teeth were missing. "I use this hick talk as my Fondis facade and sure, out of habit now also." She applied eyeliner and then mascara.I twisted the baseball cap around so the bill wouldn't block my view and pulled my camera out, changed to the long lens, lodged the tape recorder between my knees and began to shoot.

"I was living with Mr. Chaucer at the time. He'd been Auntie Ruby's lover before she went to India to help in a hospital for the poor. God knows, everybody in India seemed poor so she had her work cut out for her. Mr. Chaucer got all her possessions, including me. Think it probably rankled him a bit but after a while we settled down into a routine and got along fine."

She'd stopped applying a foundation while she talked and now dabbed her face with a sponge and applied rouge.

"I've heard the educational system is different in the UK. Did you learn anything special?" I focused a tight shot on her hand as she applied lipstick to her oh-pen mouth. I smiled to myself at my own pun.

"Everything's different. I was doing algebra and geometry in seventh grade. People are bright all over the world but it depends on what they're exposed to as to how intelligent they seem as adults. Piss poor education in this country. All snarled up with those stupid politicians. Nobody asking a poor teacher how the kids learn best. Stupid tests. That's all they do now is worry about testing and kids don't learn to think critically.

"I glanced down at the red light to make sure I was recording. This was going to be good."Yup. Yes. I received an excellent education. But it was really Mr. Chaucer who would plant the seed that grew into my lifetime mission. We started out all formal like. Mr. Chaucer this and Mr. Chaucer that. By the time I sat in his lap reading at night, I was calling him uncle Chauc. Now don't get no funny ideas here. He didn't ever try anything. He was more like a father to me than my own dad who was always too busy with bank business to pay attention to me." She pulled her hunks of white hair and rolled them around a curling iron.

"What seed did he plant that influenced you most?" I asked.

"Uncle Chauc was an herbalist and his best friend Herbie was a homeopath. I'd sit evenings listening to them discuss theory and practice. How which approach helped people more. They were always arguing. There was no TV, you know. So the three of us would have a pot of tea and I'd sit there and listen and after a few years I'd learned enough to join in and offer my own opinions. Now talk about hanky panky. In retrospect, I'm certain they were gay. Don't look shocked."I didn't. I surpressed a smile."They were very close. Next door neighbors, ya know. And having all that intellectual stimulation wasn't all they had. But they kept it from me. I didn't know anything about sex at that time. That was the only problem growing up the way I did. They were old foggies and never brought it up. But that's another story. Of cource I figured out the fundamentals from textbooks. But I digress. Where were we?"

"So you studied herbs with your uncle?" I prompted.

"Oh, yes. He had a massive greenhouse behind the coach house and I helped him plant and research and eventually make up remedies. By the time I was ready for college, I knew more than most American professors in the field. I wanted to go to study abroad but Uncle Chauc was bent on my coming back to America. He thought I'd have my best chances for success here. I wasn't sure then and I'm still not." She pursed her burgundy lips and shook her head.Dropping the red towel to the floor, she opened the closet. I set the camera aside while she dressed. I know I missed some priceless shots but I did have a growing respect for her. She wore black woolen slacks on her slender frame, topped with a wild orange and red blouse that billowed when she moved.

I gasped when she turned the finished product to me. I recognised her. Where had I seen that face? On a book jacket. On TV. Egads, I hadn't done enough homework on this one. Everyone always referred to her as Mrs. B, the crazy old lady, the witch, the wild one. It was all coming into focus. Esther Buland. Someone would want this article besides the Fondis Daily News. I began clicking images unto film.

Entry 54

Danny Boy appeared suddenly at my side as I entered Fondis International Airport.

"A little light reading for your trip." His voice rumbled around me as he handed me a sealed manila envelope.

"Thanks, Danny Boy." I searched his face for weariness. "Are you okay? Can we go to the coffee shop and talk before I board? I have time," I said glancing at my watch.

"I’m not too good in coffee shops for small people." Danny Boy chuckled. "There’s a wide space over there on the edge of that planter. Come." I followed, glad that I’d checked my baggage outside where Deirdre dropped me off.

"I don’t really understand all the little secrets going on here. I know you started following me, protecting me when things looked dicey. Now, I think everything’s fine. But I understand that you needed a vacation. Did you get sick because of me?" I hated the thought.

"No, little one. I just needed to be with my people for a while." I’d never thought about that. "My mother lives deep in the woods. She misses me so I go there with provisions whenever I can. She understands my life work must take me away."

"Danny Boy, are you a yeti?" I had to ask -- after all I am a reporter.

"I’ve been called many things. Sometimes, yes, a yeti. I have learned the art of invisibility, of blending, so most of the time people don’t notice me. Right now people will just see a man and a woman talking and think nothing of it. I don’t know if I will continue to be assigned to you. I do hope so for I’ve grown fond of you and your impulsive ways." I’d never heard him talk so much.

"Have you been assigned to other people? Are you just a body guard?" I thought he was a lot more, some kind of mysterious wise man in a body not appreciated in our society unless as some kind of freak.

"Oh, I’ve helped many people over the years. Sometimes high level government people. I prefer this assignment." He flashed a grin that was boyish.

"Do you have a girl friend?" He actually blushed. "You do. Tell me about her. Where does she live? How often do you get to see her?" I can’t help myself. I always want to know everything about everybody. It drives some people nuts. I guess that’s why Victoria and I are such good friends. She takes me in stride and understands I just am who I am.

"She lives with my mother’s tribe. There are very few of us left. Sometimes we talk about going back to the family home in Mt. Shasta. But I know I have work to do on the outside here. For now anyway. Yes, I did see her when I went home. She’s a lovely one. She looks me right in the eye. I like that." His smile was sweet.

"Danny Boy, thank you for sharing all this with me. I have to take my shoes off and go through security. I’ll see you when I see you. And thanks for the reading material. Any hints on contents?"

"I think it’s mostly about stem cell research in Europe where things are more advanced. We work with a lot of scientists from there. We help them in concepts and theory and they help us in actual scientific activities. Sweden, Finland, Greece, the Netherlands and the UK.

Switzerland just approved limited stem cell research. It’s all in there. Different restrictions exist in different countries. A lot of what we do is still banned. That’s why we’re so cautious. But Cerridwen said the stars are right and we must begin to make the concept more understandable to the general public. That’s where you come in. Thank you, Sassy." He kissed my cheek and slipped into the crowd unnoticed.

I hurried off to my concourse and went through the procedure, distracted by everything Danny Boy had revealed. He was a good friend.

Entry 56

Wellington and Victoria were up early in the morning, their heads together over an ancient map, discussing the probable location of Atlantis.

"Good Morning, Sassy. We’ve already had breakfast. I didn’t know how long you two would sleep."

"There’s coffee, if you like," said Wellington.

I shook my head.

"Wellington has an appointment and I’m going to accompany him," Victoria said. "Let’s get together for lunch at your new place. We’ll bring something." She glanced at Wellington who smiled. "Write down the address, okay?"

"Pee. Brush teeth," I muttered and stumbled into the bathroom. I really can’t think before I do both things. They laughed.

I copied out my new address and Victoria and Wellington left without much explanation. They were being too mysterious for my morning mind. Tom and I decided to go out to breakfast and then take a cab to my place.

The façade of the building was a lovely old brick, three stories.

"A brownstone," Tom said. It didn’t mean anything to me.

I unlocked the main door and found 1-A at the end of the hall. I unlocked both locks, futzing with keys to find which fit.

"You’re on the ground floor. I’d like it better if you were up a flight," Tom said.

"Why?"

"I think it’s safer."

I laughed. "You’re becoming such a New Yorker."

"Yeah. I guess I am. But this isn’t Fondis. Not that plenty didn’t happen there. I just worry about you sometimes, Sassy."

"Don’t." It seemed easy enough to me. I wasn’t about to be a pampered lady even in a city of eight million people.

The floors were polished wood, the kitchen and bathroom tile, tiny octagonal shapes of an age gone by, but well maintained.

"Look, Tom. A garden." I opened the barred door to a narrow strip of land, soggy with melting snow. I could imagine flowers. I loved it.

"Sassy, two bedrooms. You’re really uptown now."

"I’m starting a new life, Tom. Cassandra said I was a phoenix. I think she’s right." I turned to see what he was discovering. It was me. His eyes devoured me and I melted into his kiss with a hunger of my own. "You need a bed," he murmured into my mouth.

"Umm hmm. I’ll need lots of things but I’m fine as long as I have you." Drat. I didn’t want to get serious. Let him work out his issues over Sue Ellen and we’d grow in time.

"You have me, Sassy. Forever." That scared me.

"Did you say that to Sue Ellen too?" Well, that broke the mood. But I had to get this cleared before I could give myself completely to him.

"I never said anything to Sue Ellen. Her father initiated all the expectations and she went along with it just like I did. Sassy, please believe me. I never even said I love you to her. I didn’t. I liked the sex—for a while but that was it." I felt relieved. There wasn’t as much emotional debris as I thought.

"I’m sorry to be so direct about all this but I want us to be clear and keep what we had so we can have more." I wasn’t making sense.

"Sassy, I love you. Just you. I’ve loved you since the first minute I saw you. I thought it was just lust." He chuckled.

"Lust? Why lust?" he’d never come on to me. We’d just become great friends.

"Because I had a hard on you wouldn’t believe. Then you spilled your tea all over my desk and kept apologizing and that sort of dowsed my lust but began my love. I love you, Sassy."

He kissed me ever so gently on the lips and I melted into him.

"I love you, Tom. So much, so very much that for once I don’t have words."

"You’ll find them. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re in New York. My frequent flyer miles to Fondis were going to add up."

The doorbell chimed merrily. I grinned, answering my own door in my new city. Oh, I had to let the person in from outside.

"UPS for Sassafras Cambridge," a tall black man said.

"Thank you. I am she." He wheeled a dolly in with two huge boxes.

"I’ll be back with three more," he said.

Tom and I looked at each other and shrugged. The three boxes were varying sizes, large and larger.

"Please sign here."

"Thank you." I noticed the return address said "Fondis Research Institute" with a Manhattan address. Tom helped me open them and unload the computer and a desk. I’d glanced at the envelope Danny Boy had given me and found not only paper work but floppies and CDs. I was in business.

The doorbell rang again and I buzzed the person in. The telephone man installed two new lines that he said were high security. When he left, Tom caught me up for another kiss. We needed to go bed shopping.

The doorbell rang again and we laughed. I pushed the buzzer and grabbed another kiss.
"Hey, you two. Time for a picnic," called out Wellington. I really didn’t think they’d make it here for lunch.

"Just as I thought," said Victoria. "I knew a picnic would be perfect." She spread a checkered table cloth on the living room floor and Wellington began to set out a feast of crackers, cheese, sliced turkey, bologne, pepperoni and condiments.

"And these," Victoria said, setting out lovely wine glasses. She poured sparkling cider in each glass.

We sat in a circle, smiling.

"A toast," said Wellington, lifting his glass. "To success in all our new ventures." We drank to that.

"We want to tell you about our new venture," he continued. "I just accepted a position with the history channel. Victoria is going to be my research assistant." They beamed at each other.
"Wonderful, Vic. You’re really ready for a change too. Where are you going to live?"

"I haven’t figured that out yet." She couldn’t wipe the smile off her face as she shrugged.

"There’s an extra bedroom here. As long as you don’t mind Spook. He’s coming on a special carrier. I hope he’s not too spooked." I gave a worried smile.

"Spook?" asked Wellington.

"Sassy’s cat."

"Lovely. We could do a special on the history of cats. Do you know in Egypt…" the doorbell rang. I buzzed the outside door.

"Sassafras Cambridge?" I nodded. "For you, special delivery from Pets First, the finest travel accommodations for your four legged loved ones." He bowed and handed me a cat crate. Spook yowled.

"Welcome home, kitty cat." When the door was closed, I opened his crate and he sped out, eyeing us with contempt. Then he began to explore.

"Priority over bed. Cat box," I announced. Tom nodded.

"Do you want to live here, Vic? I’d like the company. I think you’re going to be on the road some but I may also. It would be good for Spook if two of us lived here."

"I’m in." We hugged each other and kissed.

"You know what Deirdre always says?" She shook her head.

"It’s all good."

"It is. It’s all good."

THE END

Copyright2004C.J.Prince

Entry 55

I stretched, shouldered my backpack and inched my way off the airplane, tired and achy after the long flight. There would be no one to meet me. I’d rushed off half cocked once again. Maybe I could find a shuttle or take a cab as a last resort.

I waited at the baggage claim for my new forest green suitcases, now marked with duct tape for easy identity. Not very classy but very practical. They were taking a long time unloading. I unclipped my cell phone from my front pocket, pushed a button and spoke: "Victoria" and it automatically dialed.

She answered right away.

"Hi, Vic. Where are you?" I saw one of my bags coming around the conveyor.

"Right behind you."

A hand grabbed my well marked suitcase. Fuck.

"What?"

"I’m right behind you. Turn around."

I spun not trusting what I’d heard and Victoria grabbed me, laughing. Tom hauled my other suitcase out of the passing baggage. I grabbed him, so glad I hadn’t cursed him.

"How? How did you know I was here? When did you get in?" I sighed and almost cried.

"Surprise." Tom wrapped his arms around me, tight. "We’ve been here for an hour or so. When I couldn’t get ahold of you, I called Johnni and she gave me your flight number You were already in the air. God, you smell great." He kissed me again and turned to pick up my bags. Wellington was heading for the door with both of them, Victoria tagging along.

"This is most serendipitous. I didn’t know how I was going to get to Forest Hills, or even where it is if the taxi driver took a wrong turn, how would I know. Oh, Tom, I’ve missed you." I was almost in tears again. This is not like me. I don’t like to show emotion and especially in a public place and not like this with someone I really care about. Jeez, I guess all those tears are just lodged in there somewhere waiting to leak out. Tom leaned down and kissed one that did.

"Wellington called a friend who is going to pick us up. He was on the phone with him when we saw you." We exited the airport and saw Wellington flag down a Subaru. He introduced us to his friend Fergus and we managed to all jam in the vehicle, Wellington in front and the three of us in the back seat.

"Victoria, you look great." She was sparkling with energy and looked more content than I’d seen in ages.

"I am. Wait ‘til I tell you everything. But later. What’s this Tom tells me about you? You’re moving to New York? Really?"

"Really. It is all happening very fast. Time gets all mixed up—sometimes it’s dragging and slow and the clock won’t move and other times, like this, I’m in some kind of warp speed and can hardly see what’s passing by."

"I know what you mean. Are you going to your new place tonight?"

"Yes. Want to stay with me?"

"Don’t you want Tom to stay with you?" We both looked at him and he gave me a sexy look.

"Maybe that’s a better idea. Where will you stay?"

"Oh, I can stay at Wellington’s. It’s okay." Her smile was innocent but had me wondering.

"Wait until I show you the yarn I spun! It is so much fun, Sassy. I’ll teach you how. I’m going to buy a spinning wheel as soon as I settle someplace." I thought she was settled in her condo in Fondis. More was up than met the eye.

"Fergus knows a good Palestinian restaurant on our way home. Anybody hungry?" Wellington asked.

"Yes," we replied in unison. I figured after airline food, we must all be famished.

By the time we ate and got to Tom and Wellington’s apartment, it was close to midnight.

"Sassy, why don’t you stay the night here. I’ll take you to your new place in the morning and you can get settled in daylight," Tom urged.

"I’m not hard to convince. I’m exhausted and my curiosity is already asleep."

Tom grinned at me. "I have tomorrow off so we can spend the day together. If you’d like."

"I’d like." I leaned against him, my eyes closed.

Wellington and Victoria were talking about the history of spinning and the fiber arts. We followed them into the building and I felt comfortable and familiar with the procedure of opening the outer door and then the double locks on the apartment door.

"You two are both such history buffs," I said.

"Sassy, did you know that Fondis used to be a coal mining area in the 1800s? There were lots of underground mines. I found this book at the library in Ohio, if you can imagine." We were all laughing but I suddenly realized that the Fondis Research Institute probably got its start by converting mining tunnels. Interesting. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to write the story.
Tom and I went directly to bed, too tired to fondle and fell asleep wrapped in each others arms.

Entry 53

I don’t really know how to be a lounge lizard but I tried it for about an hour. By then I was so restless I think I was bothering the dog who was trying to follow me. I pulled on my hiking boots and the new down parka, and found a lovely pair of ski gloves in my suitcase. Bran’s leash was hanging by the back door, so I snagged it and stuffed it in my pocket.

The driveway was thick with snow so I went back in the garage and found a grain scoop, the perfect snow shovel. I shoveled the walk to the front door and then the driveway. I built up a sweat in my pits but my nose was freezing.

Bran followed me as I opened and closed the security gate and we wandered along the road looking at the gigantic new houses where CEOs and other high end income folk had settled. If I heard a car, I’d put Bran on his leash but otherwise he was free to roam. He never went far and came back to check on me. Johnni was lucky to have such a great dog.

The snow passed and sunshine broke through. Layers of snow tumbled out of pine trees. A flicker pestered a wooden fence for some unseen treat. By the time we headed back, I was an icicle and ready to start up the fire again.

Ditching my wet clothing in the laundry room, I started a fire in the wood burning stove and decided a warm shower was in order. There must be a furnace somewhere in this massive home because it never gets too cold inside. Dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, I stretched out on the sofa with my book and soon dozed off. The next thing I heard was the garage door opening and closing.

"Hi, Johnni. Let me carry something." I hurried to grab a bag or two as she struggled in.

"So you met Antonio. I told him if he didn’t take care of the drive next time, he was fired." She set paper bags on the counter.

"Antonio? No."

"The handyman who shoveled the drive. You didn’t see him when he was here?"

"I didn’t see Antonio. No. I shoveled the walk and the driveway."

"Damn. He’s Marcella’s nephew and I was giving him a third chance. He’s totally unreliable." I raised an eyebrow in question.

"Marcella is my housekeeper."

"I didn’t mean to take his job away from him. I just figured it needed to be done and I had the energy. Sorry, Johnni."

"Not your fault. Here, help me get these things in the fridge. I picked up linguine with alfredo sauce, salad and French bread for dinner. And a few things at the supermarket." She began separating things on the counter and I helped. The doorbell rang.

"Can you get it?" Johnni was opening a can of dog food and Bran was paying rapt attention.
"Sure." I pulled open the stained glass door and was surprised.

"Deirdre, come in." I didn’t know she was going to be here. I was actually glad to see her. I’d been a bit abrupt last time.

"Sassy, I came to give you a goodbye reading. And because Johnni asked me to dinner." She lowered her voice. "It’s my first time here. Wow. Pretty nice, huh?"

"Uh huh," Johnni said from behind her back. "Glad you could make it, Deirdre. Dinner’s all ready. Come sit. Sassy, light the candles."

After small talk and food praise, Johnni said "I think it’s time I had the women’s group up here. I heard what you said when you came in, Deirdre. I know I don’t go all the time because of my schedule but the women in that group are more important than all the contacts I make. I don’t want to be so inaccessible. The gathering for Maggie meant a lot to me."

"Wonderful, Johnni. I’ll bring it up next week. Will you still be here, Sassy?"

"No. I booked a flight out tomorrow."

"So soon."

"So soon."

Johnni didn’t say anything, just nodded.

"I’ll clear the table," I said. Nope. I didn’t want a going away party, that was for certain. This was enough to deal with right here.

"Let me help," said Deirdre, "and then we can do a spread for you."

"Sure." It was her thing. Why not?

Deirdre shuffled a deck I’d never seen before. I wondered how many she had. She blew through them, cut the deck and laid out three cards. Johnni served tea and sat down to listen.
"This card indicates who you are at this point in time. In the Three of Wands, I see a balanced beginning as you seek your future. There is strength here and the ability to grapple with whatever the future holds for you. You have the tools you need. You will be very successful in your new venture." She paused. "There is a new venture, yes?"

"Yes." I didn’t want to feed her the answers. So far, the reading seemed right on but I didn’t want to tell her that either.

"The Magician is here. He shows you that you can succeed in anything you wish to pursue. You have all the tools. The Magician invites you to be clear in your goals and pull your desires into the physical realm." Say the word desire and I think about Tom. "There is originality, creativity and great imagination available. All the elements are at your disposal. Use them wisely for the greatest good. You are your own magician." I had to admit Deirdre was good.

"This card tells you the results. The Ace of Cups, a most auspicious card. There is bounty here, joy and abundance, fulfillment, faithfulness and beneficial outcomes in all your pursuits. I see emotional renewal, spiritual nourishment. It also can refer back to the other two cards as the beginning of a creative enterprise." She picked up the card and seemed to be looking through it. "There are the stirrings of the heart, the tenderness of falling in love, of reviving an old relationship. This is a very powerful card for you. Remember its image and call it to mind when you need a sense of emotional well being."

"Who needs a newspaper? Maybe we just say someone’s name, draw a few cards and write the story." Johnni chuckled and got up from the table, returning shortly with chocolate ice cream smothered in hot fudge. I loved her.

"Any questions?" Deirdre asked.

"It all sounds pretty good. Thanks. I’ve always heard you shouldn’t receive a reading if you don’t cross the palm of the reader with silver." I slipped off the silver dolphin ring I always wore and handed it to Deirdre.

"No, I couldn’t," Deirdre said.

"Of course you could. You gave me a gift. I’m giving you one." I was sounding as abrupt as Johnni usually did. My mentor.

"Thank you, Sassy. I forget how important it is to receive. I’m better at the giving side." She dropped her eyes which glistened with tears.

"All women are," snapped Johnni and went back to the kitchen to get a dog bone for Bran.

Entry 52

Snow fell in tiny balls like homeopathic pellets outside the floor-to-ceiling windows of my bedroom. I closed my eyes and opened them again when Bran touched my face with a cold nose.

"Hi, Sweet Puppy." Some puppy. A hundred pounds of solid wolf-like canine.

I stretched and climbed out of bed, shuffling to the toilet. Bran followed me. I brushed my teeth and allowed myself the luxury of going back to bed. Snuggling under the covers, I watched the snow fall. Bran looked at me expectantly. Maybe he had to go out.

My cell phone rang "Jingle Bells."

"Good Morning." How cheery could I be?

"Hi, Sassy. Victoria."

"Hi, Sweet Pea. Where are you? How are you?" I’d left a message for her yesterday and was glad to hear her voice.

"Oh, Sass, you won’t believe what I just did."

"Probably not. What?"

"I milked a goat! A beautiful big Nubian goat and we’re going to make goat cheese later. Can you believe it?"

I laughed. "Hardly. We’re both doing things differently than we’ve ever done them. Where are you?"

"I’m staying at Grania’s farmhouse. Grania is Wellington’s sister. She’s great. You’ll love her. Same bright red hair and the same accent. I’m having so much fun. Wellington is working most of the time so I don’t see him. I think he and Tom hooked up and are covering different aspects of the same story. Anyway, I took out my knitting last night and so did Grania. We both were knitting. It was so comfortable." I didn’t want to interrupt her to tell her that Johnni and I had both being doing hand work too. No coincidences, Deirdre always says.

"I’m so glad you’re having a good time, Vic."

"And wait ‘til you hear this. Grania knows how to spin. She’s going to teach me to spin yarn and then I can knit it. She has a wonderful old fashioned looking wheel. There’s just so much to see and do here." Her enthusiasm was infectious. I smiled and got out of bed, opening the door for Bran. He ran downstairs and I followed. I let him out into the snow. I didn’t think I had to go with him. Johnni had a security fence all the way around her property.

"Sounds like a lot of work to get a skein of yarn," I said.

"No. I don’t think so. Grania has sheep and she spins the wool and was making a beautiful pair of socks for her husband for Christmas. Oh, watch out, get out of here you silly rooster." Her voice was shrill and alarmed.

"Sass, I think I’m being attacked. I’m sitting here in the barn, whoa, no," she shouted. "on a stack of hay and—now I’m climbing up a few bales. Damn, rooster, get out of her. He’s flying at me and--ouch. Sass, I’ll call you back." She hung up.

I chuckled, seeing her climbing a stack of hay to escape an attack rooster. They can be nasty. I’ve interviewed a few of them over the years. I know. It was great to hear her voice so upbeat, so engaged in life, and learning new things.

I found a grapefruit cut in half and each section perfectly cut. A note from Johnni told me to make myself at home and that there were eggs in the frig or cereal in the cupboard. I ate the tart grapefruit and thought about Tom. I hadn’t called him yesterday, not wanting to interrupt him if he was on assignment. But I really wanted to hear his voice. I could call and just leave him a message.

"Tom," I said, loving voice activated cell phones. The number rang.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Tom. Is this an okay time to call?"

"Sassy, I’m so glad to hear your voice. In the last minute dash, I forgot to get your new cell number. Yes, Sweetheart, it’s a perfect time to call." I hate to get mushy but I really love it when he calls me "Sweetheart."

"How’s it going? How long will you be there?"

"I’m flying back tomorrow. Tonight I’m going with Wellington out to his sister’s house for dinner. I guess Victoria is having a good time," he said.

"Yes. I talked to her and she sounds great."

"Sassy, I was wondering how we can be together for Christmas. Would you like that?" Would I—anytime we could be together I’d like. I smiled.

"I’d like that a lot, Tom. Let me give you a capsule version of what’s happening with me. First, I’m moving to New York."

"My dreams are coming true. When? Where? Why?"

"You sound like a reporter. Johnni released me, that’s what she called it, so I could go to work for the Fondis Research Institute and they want me based in New York City. Is that wonderful or what?!"

"It’s wonderful," his voice was deep and sexy.

"Tom, is Forest Hills near where you live in Astoria?"

"Close enough. Why?"

"Well, that’s where my new apartment is," I said.

"What? You have an apartment already? Sassy, that’s great. I was hoping you’d stay with me a little longer but I’m glad you’re moving into my neighborhood, so to speak." I could hear a smile in his voice.

"Me too. It’s a long story. You’re breaking up. I can’t hear you. Bye, Dearheart. Talk to you later." He couldn’t hear that last part I’m sure. Whoopee. The reality of it was coming into my mind like a bright light.

I made a cup of Chai and watched the snow falling. The pad of lined paper in front of me sat blank. I really needed to make a list but daydreams filtered through and I let them wander.
Bran barked once at the dining room door and I let him in. "Let me find a towel for your paws, big boy," I said, hurrying to the bathroom and grabbing a hand towel. Of course he followed me so the snow tracked across the dark green carpet. I rubbed down his back and put the towel in the laundry room.

"Bran, come help me. I have to make a list," I sat back down at the table. I needed to make a flight reservation to La Guardia; find a service that would deliver my car to New York. I didn’t want to drive it back at this time of year. I had to decide if I was going to try to see everyone before I left or if I was just going to disappear. I didn’t want all the emotions jangling about if I were to see everyone. But I also didn’t want to disappear. I opened the cookie jar and took out a dog biscuit.

"Good boy."

Then I dialed Johnni’s office.

"Yes," she barked. I was going to miss her.

"Johnni, I have an idea. What if I write a weekly column from New York –for the Fondis Daily--but make it local in reference? Then I can stay in touch with home."

"Not a bad idea. Let me think about it. When are you leaving?"

"As soon as I can make a reservation."

"Talk to you tonight. I’ll bring something home. Just relax." She hung up.

Entry 51

I opened my car door and slid in, feeling for the key under the mat where I always kept it. At least one thing was familiar in my life: my car. I never locked it. It was such an old clunker that no one would want it. I might have to change my patterns in New York City. Deirdre had shoved my bags in the back seat.

I drove around the square and headed west through the hills and up to the top of the ridge to Johnni’s house. Surrounded by ponderosa pine trees, the panels of glass reflected the surroundings. I punched the code at the gate and it swung open, closing automatically when I drove through.

Bran, Johnni’s German shepherd came bounding down the gravel path that led to the paved driveway, barking and snarling. Shit. I’d forgotten about Bran. I just hoped he would remember me. I pulled up on the side of the garage. The dog barked outside my window. I rolled it down a few inches.

"Hi, Bran. I’m your mom’s guest. I’m here to spend the night." He’d probably smell cat on me and go into more hysterics. I used to keep dog bones in my car for situations just like this when I was going to interview someone who had a surprise dog greeting me. I looked around the car, on the floor and in the backseat. The fix up job had included a clean up. Oh well. Here goes.

I eased the door open. "Bran, come." I tried to sound in charge and not quiver. I put my hand out, palm down. He sniffed it. His tail wagged. I let out the breath I’d been holding. "Good dog. Help me get my stuff in the house, okay? I have a key." I just kept talking to him and he followed me into the house. Johnni told me my room was upstairs on the left so I lugged a suitcase up and wondered which room on the left. Bran nosed a door and I opened it. My room, I figured. It was clean and unadorned except for one oil painting of a dog that looked like Bran. I wondered if he sat for the portrait or maybe the artist just looked at a picture.

"You’re very handsome, Bran. Is this my room?" He sniffed all the corners, the sea foam silk bed cover and walked to another door. I followed him and opened it. The bathroom.
"Sweet. You’re a good host, Bran. Thank you. I could go swimming in that tub it’s so big." I headed back to the car and my other suitcase and backpack. Bran became my constant companion, following much closer than Danny Boy did.

I soaked in the circular tub, turning on the jets to ease the soreness in my back. Bran watched me for a while and settled next to the tub. I pulled on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and climbed under the covers for a quick nap. I think Bran would have joined me on the bed, but I didn’t encourage it. Johnni probably had her rules. He slept next to the bed. It was dark when I awoke. I ran my hands through my short curls and walked downstairs, Bran at my heels.
Johnni had set the table and lit candles. I followed my nose to the kitchen.

"Hi, Johnni. I just woke up."

"I figured. I see you and Bran made friends." She smiled, something I’d rarely seen. I was feeling better about staying with her.

"He’s a great dog," I said, rubbing his ears.

"We’re having Chinese take out. I don’t have much time to cook. Hope you like Moo Goo Gai Pan."

"One of my favorites."

"Wine?"

"No thanks. I’ve sworn off."

"Me too. I’ll make some green tea."

We settled at the dining room table, Bran between us. The lights of Fondis twinkled through the pine trees.

I picked up my chop sticks and began to eat.

"What do you think, Sassy?" Johnni asked.

"Cool place."

"Anything else?"

"I like you, Johnni. I didn’t think I did." Wow, I was being more honest than I liked.

"Good. You have to have an edge, Sassy. You have to feel the edge, like you’ve felt mine. And then see what’s behind it. You know what Graham Green said?"

I shook my head which held no quotes at the moment.

"Every novelist must have a shard of ice inside that takes notes when others weep."

"Wow. Great. Journalists are like novelists in a way. I have to write that down." I pulled a small spiral notebook out of my backpack and jotted it down.

"You have that, Sassy. You just didn’t know it until recently. So you didn’t like it in me when you saw it. You’ll need it as you continue on your new path." Now she was talking like Dr. O. Everybody was getting mixed up with someone else’s traits. Were we all so alike underneath?
I cleared the dishes when we finished and retrieved my knitting from my backpack. Johnni pulled out a counted cross stitch of a German shepherd, something I never thought I’d see her do, and we chatted like women at a quilting bee a century ago.

Entry 50

I had to see the remains of my old house so I walked across the square, glad that Deirdre hadn’t waited for me. She was fine but I was in no mood for airy fairy today.

As I stepped into the shadow of the alley, Cassandra swung into step with me. I jumped, expecting the giant not the tiny wise woman.

"Hi, Sassy. Sorry to startle you. I stay out of the main stream most of the time. I knew you’d want to see your old place again." She reached out and squeezed my hand.

"Hi, Cassandra. I understand I have a command appearance before her highness Dr. O." I raised a quizzical eyebrow. She smiled.

"You won’t be disappointed."

Sunshine broke through the clouds, the harsh glance of it revealing the total devastation to what had been my home, a renovated shack that had provided a roof over my head and a sense of my location on the planet. Most of the debris had been cleared. The old picket fence, charred now, tilted wildly. The tree behind the house was a mere stump of memory, no longer the graceful tower where birds perched, no longer the herald of spring with buds bursting forth. A raven landed on the blackened tree stump, swiveled his head and I’m certain he winked at me.
I stood a long time, no longer seeing what had been, just letting memories wash over me until they were gone. It was only a place, a building. Victoria and I were safe. I could go on, would go on.

"You are the phoenix," Cassandra said.

"Yes," I agreed. I was.

"Are you ready for tea with Dr. O?" she asked.

"Yes."

A peacefulness settled over me. The past and the future did not exist. Just this moment standing here with Cassandra. I turned and smiled at her.

Wending my way down the now familiar path, I followed Cassandra, the lithe spirit who moved with faerie swiftness. Jeez, I was sounding more like Deirdre every day. This had to stop. I could lose my job with that kind of thinking.

We entered a back entrance to Esther’s house. I still thought of her as Esther when I looked at the house and remembered the simple story I’d written about her, the inane quotes. She’d used me to continue her cover. But it had been my choice to honor her secret, to allow her request so I could see more. Whenever I could tell the whole story, it would knock the socks off the scientific community. And it looked like I would have that opportunity.

Cassandra led me to the tea room and I settled in front of the fireplace and waited. She left and I warmed my hands, pondering the yin/yang aspects of fire, that which destroys, that which warms and blesses. I figured everything was like that, everything had its polar opposite. Most of the time we danced in the gray between the extremes.

Cassandra returned carrying a plate of scones. Dr. O was on her heels with the tea tray, the pot tipping precariously. Cerridwen carried the bone china tea cups.

"Where’s Danny Boy?" I asked, missing my faithful shadow.

"Vacation, Sassy," Dr. O answered.

I stared at the two women, their resemblance having stumbled through my mind several times.
"You know my sister Cerridwen?" Dr. O chuckled. "She’s the spiritual one in the family; I’m the scientist."

A sweet meow came from the doorway and Spook pushed his head into the room.

"Spook baby," I cried. He walked haughtily into the room, turned his back on me and twitched his tail. "Silly kitten, don’t be angry with me."

He rubbed against Cassandra’s ankles, wound his way around Cerridwen, purred at Dr. O and finally circled my feet, scolding me in a high pitch. At last he rubbed my ankle and I sank back to the floor waiting for him to make the next move. He jumped into my lap, kneading and purring loudly. "Spook, kitty, I’ve missed you." I scratched behind his ears.

Cassandra served tea and passed me a plate with a scone, butter on the side.

"Johnni told you about our offer?" Dr. O asked.

"Yes. I’m not sure I understand what you want me to do," I didn’t want to sound too eager but I was beginning to like the idea. I wondered how Spook would like the big city.

"We need a professional journalist topside to begin to make our presence known. You will begin with simple press releases to various scientific journals and major newspapers. It will appear that you are a freelance journalist interested in cancer cures and the advancements of stem cell research. We also know that you want to move to New York City. That will benefit us by not having you here in Fondis. It will appear to be a more neutral location. You will need to research other venues and write from a broad base. We will not edit your work. And we will give you facts as they appear appropriate to release to the general public," Dr. O paused, staring off into a future I was just beginning to imagine.

I slathered butter on the scone with a small sterling silver knife and sipped the tea. I felt very mellow as I rubbed Spook’s tummy and wondered what was in the tea.

"Of course you’ll want to know about logistics," Dr. O continued. "While you’re here, you’ll be staying with Johnni. We took the liberty of having your old car worked on. It will be reliable now."

"Where is my car?" So much had happened that I didn’t even know where it was. I’d walked back to my house the night of the fire. Where had I left my car? At the parking lot behind the paper? "What did you fix?" I knew it needed so much work that most people would junk it.
"Your car is parked behind the Fondis Daily News building, just where you left it. It needed a major overhaul. We considered just getting you a new car but we don’t want too much surface change. We must be very considered about all our decisions. Your old car has a new engine, new brakes and we fixed your radio. I assume you won’t object."

I laughed. I could occasionally get NPR through the static. When the weather was right Air America came in. Most of the time it was just annoying noise.

"No. I don’t object. Thanks. What do I owe you?" I’d just have to add it to the stack of bills. But hey, they burned, didn’t they? I wondered who I owed. This wasn’t my strong suit.

"No debt. It is part of a much bigger plan. Now, to living in New York. The standard of living in Fondis has risen every year but it has a long way to go before it reaches New York standards. The Fondis Research Institute owns several buildings in New York City. We have an apartment for you in Queens, one that will appear appropriate for your position and income."

My mind was reeling now. I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I scratched Spook behind the ears and finished off my tea.

"Cassandra?" Dr. O looked to her assistant who glided toward me and sank to her knees, setting a wooden box on the floor by my feet. It had one of those trick secret opening mechanisms that I couldn’t fathom as Cassandra lifted the lid.

"Business cards," Cassandra pointed out. "Check book with your new address and phone number. There are two ground lines, one for fax and internet, high speed, by the way, and one for calls. This is the latest tape recorder, stationery, stapler, all the office supplies you’ll need to start out." Her small hands flew over the compartments, pointing out each detail.

"Your apartment has an underground parking garage so you can actually take your new old vehicle with you. Your rent is covered for a year. We’ll discuss options after that time. You have a year’s salary in your check book. We want you to feel comfortable as you settle and we know you will have to replace many things after the fire. Any questions?" Dr. O gathered up the tea cups and Cassandra carried the tray out of the room.

"Not now. I’m a little overwhelmed."

"Yes, that’s what we figured," Cerridwen said. "Come to the healing room. Esther and I will do an integration session with you."

In a daze I followed them to the solar plant room and settled on a massage table. Dr. O was at my head, Cerridwen, my feet. Cassandra circled us with Tibetan bells chiming. This was a double whammy of energy. Whatever they were doing was lifting me up out of my body. Somewhere Cassandra played a harp and each string zinged into me so I was one with the sound, with the women, with the planet, the cosmos. I hated to admit that I was enjoying this airy fairy stuff. The three of them ended with a round of "Om" and I joined them, floating on our voices.

Entry 49

I winced as the plane banked and I saw a herd of antelope cross the runway. So far, there’d never been an accident at Fondis International Airport but it always worried me. New ten foot chain link fences were being installed but the project hadn’t been completed. Fortunately their white rumps disappeared before we bumped into a landing. Home. It didn’t feel like it. It felt like drudgery.

I’d go look at the remains of my house again. I would be able to handle it better this time. I felt a strange detachment from all those things that I had so cherished. I was probably a good candidate for Deirdre to latch onto for a visit to the Buddhist Monastery up on the Bijou rim. I wasn’t too interested though.

Speak of the devil. Deirdre was waiting for me at the baggage claim. I was actually glad to see her.

"Hey, Sassy," she said, kissing both my cheeks. "You look rested."

How could I possibly look rested? My best friend had died, well, one of my best friends, my house had burned, my living best friend had almost been murdered, I was in the arms of my beloved but yanked away and my best friend was off to Ohio with a man I didn’t really know and a group of strange scientists were developing unknown cures beneath the streets of Fondis. Oh, yeah. I was rested. Calm, cool and collected.

"Johnni wants me to take you to her office, Sassy," Deirdre said.

"I want a hot fudge sundae first."

Deirdre pulled Johnni’s Lexus SUV into the Fudge Bowl and ordered a large sundae to go for me. This was a big upgrade for Deirdre, donkey to Lexus. It almost made me smile but I was grumpy in general. Close to pissed. Victoria was one up on me. She was claiming her power and I was handing mine out like nuts on a sundae. Shit.

I stomped up the marble steps to the front door of the Fondis Daily News, pushed open the glass door and stormed upstairs. I opened Johnni’s door without knocking and almost ran into the mayor as he was exiting.

"Sassy, you’re back?" Johnni said, stating the obvious.

"Yes. I’m back. Now what the hell is so important." I really shouldn’t be taking this out on her. I was the one who agreed to come back. The hot fudge was swirling in my belly like a shot of gin.

"Sassy, sit down."

I stood—and paced.

"You’re upset." I thought she was a good reporter but at the moment I wasn’t so sure.

"What was so important that I had to fly back immediately?" I glared at her.

"Sassy, you’re a damned good journalist." I knew that. I still liked to hear it. What was she buttering me up for now?

"So?"

"So, I’m releasing you from your position here so you can take the assignment for the Fondis Research Institute." Big whoop. I wondered if that was the name of Dr. O’s underground laboratory.

"What?"

"The FRI is ready to present some of the research data to the general press. They want you based in New York City. You will write all the press releases, handle inquiries and do research there as requested. You may have to fly to Europe occasionally. It was a difficult decision for me to let you go but Dr. O is very persuasive. Now, are you willing to consider this?" She’d moved around the desk and sat on the edge of the armchair.

Pixilated time warp. Fragments of images. Maggie’s face. Dr. O’s research. My laptop. Burned.
"Yes, Johnni," I sighed. "I’m willing to consider it. But why did you bring me back here to send me back to New York?"

"I needed to see you, Sassy. You saw the mayor leaving? He’s just been nominated for Colorado Citizen of the Year. As far as I’m concerned that’s not going to happen. There are lots of good folks out there that deserve a chance at that one. He’s buying the position. You still have those photos?"

"They’re in a safe below ground. Yes. I kinda liked Tabitha. I’m sorry she/he is hanging out with such a slime ball. I’ll get them when I see Dr. O."

Johnni walked behind her desk, a satisfied smirk on her perfect face.

"Good. Now, tell me how Tommy is doing?" Tommy? I didn’t even call him that.

"Uh, fine. He likes his job. He’s on assignment in Ohio right now doing behind the scenes interviews about the election fraud," I said.

"Oh, he’ll like that. Good for him." She’d been so pissed at both of us. Why the conciliatory attitude now?

"Johnni, what’s with you? I thought you were angry with Tom for quitting."

"Oh, sure. I was. I was losing a reliable reporter, and one I liked. And I knew you’d be leaving soon too." She did? "I like to be in control but some things are out of my hands. You two both will move on to much bigger positions than you had here in Fondis. I’m jealous. You are both living out my fantasy. What is it? The big dream we all have: moving to New York and doing the work. Tom has it. You will too. I can’t. I have to stay here. I’m trapped in my management position and there is important news to reveal. Too much has gone unreported in dear little Elbert County. That’s my job now and I’ll see it through. But you and Tom are going for it. I admire that." She dropped her chin and took a deep breath. I’d never seen Johnni so vulnerable. Except maybe the day after Maggie died and I held her breast in a ceremonial way.

"I’m sorry, Johnni. I didn’t know, didn’t realize. You put up a pretty slick front."

"Thank you." She’d pulled it back together and stood, pacing back and forth in front of the window.

"That will be all for now. Dr. O’s team will be in touch with you. You’ll stay with me tonight. Your room is made up and ready. Here’s the key. You know where I live." I remembered her new trophy home where she’d hosted last year’s staff Christmas party. "You good for cash?"

"Yeah. For once. Dr. O took care of that before I went to New York."

"Excellent. That’s what the slush fund is for. Emergencies. Good. See you for dinner at my place around eight."

It was a command but I didn’t balk. I was curious. It would be interesting to get a deeper insight into the hauty boss woman.

Entry 48

The next morning Tom caught a ride to La Guardia with a friend and I
stared mindlessly at my cell phone, trying to enter numbers and reprogram the ring. I missed him already. Time was squashed up against itself. I had a pixilated sense of days passing but not enough processing.

Wellington and Victoria were pouring over a history book, researching the history of television and the advent of tele-literacy.

My cell phone rang at the same time Wellington’s did. We both answered.

"Hello?" I said, expecting Tom to be calling before his flight took off.

"Sassy. Johnni here. I’ve just been in conference with Dr. O. The coast is clear. That is, Chadwick is in jail for arson and attempted murder. There does not appear to be a conspiracy and it is safe for you and Victoria to come home. How is she doing?" Her voice was abrupt as usual.

"Fine. What happened to my two weeks off?" I queried. I knew I could go back to Fondis but even with Tom off to Ohio, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go home.

"You’ve had a break. I need you back here. Plus there’s another assignment I want you to work on—not one I’m at liberty to discuss on the phone. Let me speak to Victoria." Yes, commander.
"Vic. Phone for you." She looked up from the book and reached for the phone. I watched her monosyllabic answers to Johnni.

"No," she said emphatically and clicked off my phone, handing it back.

"Bitch," she said. Victoria was definitely coming back to life.

"What did she say?"

"Oh, she started bossing me around like she does you. She wants me to fly back tonight with you and act like nothing happened. I’m not going, Sassy. Are you?" She slammed the book shut as Wellington clicked off his phone.

"Well, she still is my boss. I think I have to go. But Vic, I can’t leave you here alone," I said.
"I missed something," Wellington said.

"That was Sassy’s boss, bossing her around once again," snapped Victoria. "And trying to tell me what to do to boot. Cold blooded control freak."

"Well, Sassy, I understand. That was my boss too. I’m headed off to Ohio to do a little nosing around. If I’d known, I’d have booked a flight with Tom."

"We can’t leave Victoria here all alone. Vic, you’ll have to come with me back to Fondis," I said.
"No. I’m not going back." She was vehement. Picking up her knitting, she let her fingers fly across the yarn.

"Victoria, I think Sassy’s right. You can’t stay here alone. You don’t know the city and you don’t know anyone to help you out. Come with me to Ohio. I have a sister there that you can stay with and I’ll show you around at night. Don’t look alarmed. No strings attached. Just a fellow history buff on the heels of another story. Come with me."

Victoria’s frown faded and she looked at me. "I’ll go with Wellington. Call me and let me know when you get to Fondis so I’ll know you’re okay."

We used Wellington’s lap top to schedule all our flights. We were all hurrying around the apartment, packing things, cleaning up. I tried to call Tom but couldn’t get through. Then I thought about Danny Boy.

"I’ll be back in a minute," I said, unlocking the doors and walking toward the pharmacy, looking everywhere for the familiar bulk of the man. Damn. I turned around to head back and almost ran into him.

"Danny Boy, I’m so glad I found you. Look, here’s what’s happening." I filled him in.
"Do you think Victoria will be safe?"

"I do. She was adamant about her choice. I think she’s been giving up her power to too many people. This is a rite of passage for her. She needs to do it alone, without me, without any of the Fondis ties. She feels comfortable with Wellington and not manipulated."

"Okey dokey. I’ll see you back in Fondis. Next time will you go to the Metropolitan Museum?"
I laughed. "Yes. If there is a next time." There had to be. My heart was aching without Tom. I’d be back to see him, one way or another.

Entry 47

The next morning Wellington fixed breakfast of scrambled eggs and English muffins and we all ate in the living room.

"This is such a pleasure," he said. "Fixing breakfast in my own kitchen for friends. I’m either eating in some dive or taking what’s available in a gritty desert sand hole."

"Glad you’re here, Wellington," Tom said. "I watch the news from the Middle East with reluctance I admit. I always wonder where you are and what your assignment is."

"Unglamorous to say the least. They sent me stateside after the last beheading of a friend and I went a little squirrelly. But let’s not talk about that. Do you have plans for the day?"
Wellington finished the last bite of muffin.

"I’m off to work," Tom said. "Maybe you can give the women a little sight seeing? If they’re up for it today."

"This is my city and I haven’t even been around the corner for years it seems. I’d love to escort you, if you’d please," he made a mock bow and Victoria and I laughed. I looked to see if she wanted an outing. Her color was better today with a twinkle in her eye.

"I’d like that," she said shyly and glanced at me. I nodded my enthusiasm.

We walked to the train station, upstairs, each buying a two week pass. I couldn’t get mine to swipe and Wellington showed me the right angle and speed. We boarded the train that was above ground here and would dive below the city as we entered Manhattan. We changed trains somewhere beneath the city and I was trying to get my bearings. I liked the gentle rocking of the train, the mass of people all moving along their own paths, intercepting here for a few moments in harmony.

We catch the 1-9 to the South Ferry leaving Alice in Wonderland to ponder reality or delusion. There we board the Staten Island Ferry, a free ride out in the harbor, passing the Statue of Liberty. Danny Boy reads a book across the crowded room. The day is cold but without snow and I go out on the deck to feel the air and the water. I return when I am numb with cold and Victoria and Wellington are deep in conversation about the history of the Statue of Liberty and the implications of the quote about "the tired, the poor, the hungry" and current trends to restrict entry to the U.S.

We exit the ferry but decide to catch the next one back. It is too cold to wander about Staten Island. Wellington buys hot chocolate for us all. We sit and watch people and sip the warm, soothing libation, listening to languages I can’t understand.

Back on the ferry, I relax into the sway of the water, the marvel of it all. We catch the subway north from Whitehall to Cortlandt, coming out at what was the World Trade Center. I have a visceral reaction, an emptiness that hits the pit of my stomach. We walk around, reading the posters of history. Victoria weeps. Tom offers her his handkerchief and tucks her hand into the crook of his elbow.

Back underground. This is my underground time of life, I guess. The subways are more gentle than the swishing speed of the Fondis subterranean travel unit. We get off at Canal Street and come above to street level into the magic of China Town. Crowds of people hurry along the streets. Stores display vegetables I don’t recognize, pressed duck, shrimp and other specialties. We wander, sometimes all holding hands, sometimes, single file, always keeping an eye on each other. I sense Danny Boy and see him across the street pacing us. Nobody pays any attention to the giant man in this setting. Everyone has a place here. I like that.

"Let’s have lunch here," Wellington says. "I haven’t been here for ages but the food was always good." We find an empty table at the Great New York Noodle Town. Wellington’s memory served him well. I ate Chinese broccoli and shrimp fried rice. My taste buds were in heaven.
My cell phone sings. I’ll have to reprogram the ringer when I find time to study the options.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Sweetheart."

"Hi, Tom," I smile and look at Wellington and Victoria but they are talking about the history of fortune cookies.

"I’ll be a little late tonight. How about a late dinner. I’ll bring home falafels from the corner stand if you can wait for a late dinner, that is."

"It sounds great, Tom. We’re just eating lunch, rather late, you can tell, in China Town. It’s so fascinating. I love the variety of New York City."

"I knew you would. Gotta run, Love. See you for dinner. Around eight. Ciao."

I rang off, a smile on my face.

Entry 46

Tom and I managed to set the tiny table for four, pulling it out from the wall and putting a stool behind the table. I lit candles and put them on the window sill as there was no room on the table. Tom was serving as I headed to the living room to announce dinner.

Wellington and Victoria were stretched out on opposite sides of the floor, building a massive card castle between them. I watched for moments as they balanced cards precariously and laughed when one fell. I hated to interrupt.

"Dinner’s ready if you can pull yourselves away," I said.

"I haven’t built a card house in ages," Wellington said. "Great fun. It should be added to some list for stress reduction. Come, Victoria, I’ll challenge you to a card castle again one day." She began to blow on the card structure in front of her face, toppling it. Wellington laughed and followed suit. Soon all the cards lay in flat disarray. They gathered them quickly and joined us in the kitchen as Tom served plates filled with herbed salmon, diced baked potatoes with rosemary and broccoli in his secret sauce.

"Wine?" Tom asked.

"No thanks," Victoria and I said in unison and smiled at each other. I’d have to tell Tom about my resolve.

"I’ll pass. I’m so tired, I’d probably pass out immediately and miss another one of your fine meals. Tom is the best cook I’ve ever roomed with, and that’s saying a lot."

The candles flickered a soft light, reflecting against the window pane, dashing shadows on our faces as we settled in to enjoy Tom’s creative meal. We had chocolate ice cream for dessert and I was very happy.

"Now, what about sleeping arrangements?" Wellington asked. "I’ll be asleep in my chair soon if I don’t stretch out." I frowned and glanced at Victoria who dropped her eyes to her lap.

"I’ve got it all figured out," Tom said. Good. Tom seemed the only one who had it together in this pitiful group. "The women will sleep in my bed, you take the pull out, Wellington, and I’ll sleep on the air mattress." We all nodded in easy agreement.

"I’ll do the dishes," Victoria volunteered.

"I’ll set up the beds," Wellington said.

"Sassy, would you like to take a walk around the block? Chilly but refreshing."

"I would." I pulled on the new bright green down parka and hiking boots and followed Tom out the door, down the stairs and into the magic of a New York night with snow falling. The chill bit my cheeks after the warmth of the apartment. We walked side by side for a while, hands in our pockets.

"You okay, Sassy?" Tom asked.

"Define your terms." I laughed. "I’m as okay as I can be, Tom. Thank you for everything. It’s going to take me a while to sort everything out and feel normal again. Just being with you helps me feel like things will turn out okay."

"You know I feel so much better having you here. So many weird things were happening in Fondis that I was getting worried, thinking I’d have to go back there some how. I really like my job. I feel like I have so much to tell you, little things like we used to share when our desks were next to each other. Now the world is upside down and we haven’t had time for much."

"I know. I miss that too. I don’t even know what I’m going to do, Tom. Johnni told me to take two weeks off and then she extended it. Is it okay if I stay two weeks here? Are we going to be okay? With Victoria here and everything? And I don’t know how long Wellington is going to stay." I was rambling. We made a right. Snow furled across the street light.

"That’s one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. I leave in two days to go to Ohio to cover the recount. They have regular reporters doing the headline stuff. I’m going to get in-depth personal stories that bring the numbers into reality. I’m worried about leaving you here but don’t know if you want to go with me. There won’t be anything for you to do there and I’ll be in some Motel 6. What do you think?"

"I think Victoria needs to stay put for a while. And I need to stay with her."

"You’re a good friend, Sassy. I’ve always admired that about you."

"Are you okay with Wellington staying if I’m not here?"

"I am. I was worried about Victoria. But she will be fine. I’ve been watching her closely all evening. It was just that initial shock that pushed her into over reaction." I hoped I was right.
"Let’s stop at the pharmacy to pick up some milk for breakfast," he said. It felt warm inside and the snow melted from our coats. Tom paid for the milk and we stepped back into winter wonderland. I peered through the curtain of white, sensing the bulk of a large man across the street. Tom headed to the right to continue our walk around the block.

"Tom, wait. This way." I saw him look questioningly at me but headed across the street when the light turned green.

Danny Boy, collecting snow around the bulk of him, watched me come closer. I didn’t know if I was supposed to pretend he wasn’t there or what. But fuck it. I wanted Tom to know as much as he could. That would make me feel safer. And Danny Boy needed to know Tom. That’s what I figured as I broke away from Tom and ran to embrace Danny Boy.

He lifted me off my feet and hugged me. I turned and introduced the two men. Danny Boy dwarfed Tom who was a tall man.

"Danny Boy, I don’t like you being out in the snow. I’m okay," I said.

"And what about you bein’ out in the snow, little one?" I couldn’t argue.

We told Danny Boy what was happening, about Wellington, about Tom going to Ohio.
"Thanks for letting me know, Sassy. You take care. Remember you can call me on my cell if you’re in a bind." I could? I didn’t remember that. His number was probably pre-programmed on the new cell phone.

"Thanks."

"Good to meet you, Daniel."

"Likewise. Take care of this one." Danny Boy tapped my soggy cap.

"I intend to." We turned and continued our walk.

Wellington’s snores welcomed us as we let ourselves back into the apartment. The bedroom light was out so I knew Victoria was asleep also.

Tom and I sat at the kitchen table, re-lighting candles.

"Sassy, there’s no good time to tell you this but I want to be upfront with you about everything."

Uh oh. What was coming? "Truth is better than ignorance. That’s why we’re reporters," I said lightly.

"Sue Ellen called."

Fuck. I knew we had to get to this sooner or later, that I was the rebound queen and I’d be left out in the cold once more. I saw anguish on Tom’s face and figured only the worse would come. How could I get myself in the mindset of just being his good friend, the one who he confided in, who helped him with his problems? How had I allowed myself to imagine we might have more?

"And…"

"You know she married Jonathan Brightman shortly after we broke up?" I remembered her daddy’s stooge stepping up to take Tom’s place.

"Well, it’s not working out." Of course not. Nobody could work it out with that control freak Sue Ellen. "Sue Ellen is filing for a divorce and wanted me to move back to Fondis and be with her," he continued. Why hadn’t I seen the handwriting on the wall?

"Tom, you know I always want the best for you. I don’t always know what that is and I don’t always agree with what you think that is. But I will do my best to always honor your choices. I don’t want to lose you as a friend." What a high falutin speech for someone who wanted to scream and cry and hold onto him. But I didn’t want a relationship that had been manipulated into existence. I only wanted him if we both came together of our own will.

"Sassy, I don’t want Sue Ellen. I feel sorry for her. Her life is a mess," he said. He was so damned compassionate. He didn’t want her? What did that mean? What did that portend for us?

"What do you want? What are you going to do?"

"I’m not moving back to Fondis, Sassy. Sue Ellen makes her own life a mess. She needs counseling. I told her so. She was furious. I doubt if I’ll hear from her again." Hey, there was good news in this conversation.

"What I’m going to do is my job. I love it here, Sass. I love my job. And what do I want? Could I ask for more? Yes. I could. I don’t have a right too but I will. I want us to have a chance to figure out if we have more than suppressed infatuation. I think we do. You have a lot to process. A lot to go through. What I want," he paused, entirely too long, and then continued, "What I want is you. Free and clear of any strings or inhibitions or ramifications of the past. I’m willing to wait for that. For you. At that point, we’ll figure out what we want."

I didn’t know I was crying until he wiped a tear and took me in his arms and rocked me. Finally he carried me to bed, settling me gently next to Victoria. I fell sound asleep with hope in my heart once again.

Entry 45

"How about some music of the season?" Tom asked as we sat on the floor playing cards around the coffee table.

"What season is that?" I asked and meant it.

I noticed that Tom had not turned the TV on since we arrived. The two of us were self confessed news junkies, so I was surprised—and grateful. I was on such a disconnect that I didn’t have a clue what was going on in the world. Or what season it was. Winter, of course, because snow was falling light outside.

"The holiday season." He smiled indulgently at me.

"Oh." A crazy sense of disorientation hit me. Where had I been and what had happened to my reporter’s brain? I guess it was a good thing I’d bought yarn to make him a scarf and hat. A perfect Christmas present.

"Sure. Music will remind us that there is such a season. And it is a holiday to be here," I said. Tom flipped through a case of CDs and put on a Kenny G instrumental.

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow," Victoria sang and looked up from casting on the brilliant red yarn. A smile erased the anxiety that hung below her surface. I smiled back. Tom shuffled a deck of cards and we all played rummy, Victoria and I knitting between turns.

Victoria won the first two games. Then Tom won a game. I didn’t care about winning, just about sitting in this cozy space, the steam heat radiator hissing out warmth and I was with the two people I loved most on the earth.

A key turned in the lock and Victoria and I, startled, looked at Tom in alarm. He was on his feet walking casually to the door as a tall man in a snow covered overcoat and wool cap stepped in, and dropped his bags.

"Wellington, great to see you," Tom said.

"I tried to ring you up but my cell was dead." They clapped each other on the back in a hug.
"You’re all wet, man," Tom said, helping Wellington out of his coat and hanging it on a peg. The newcomer pulled off the cap revealing a shock of red hair. When he turned and I saw those piercing blue eyes, I recognized him. How many times had I seen him report from some desperate scene around the world?

"We have company, I see," Wellington said, his Scottish brogue thick with weariness, his smile white and sincere.

Victoria screamed, threw down her knitting and ran to the bathroom.

"Well, me mum always said I was a sight for sore eyes but I must be a sore sight this day. I haven’t slept in twenty two hours. Hope your friend is alright," he sat, sinking into the armchair.

"Wellington, this is Sassy, I’ve told you about her," Tom said.

"Indeed. My pleasure." He stood before I could tell him to stay put and stretched out a large hand. We shook.

"I’m happy to meet you, Wellington. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll see to Victoria. It’s not you. It’s what we’ve been threw recently. I’m sorry." I turned, grabbing my backpack and hurried to the bathroom door. It was locked. I could hear Victoria’s sobs. I knocked quietly.

"Vic, let me in. It’s Sassy." I waited. She finally unlocked the door and I slipped into the tiny bathroom. Victoria sat on the edge of the tub, black mascara tears running down her cheeks.
"I know what it is but I want you to say it out loud," I said in a very detached voice. I just wanted to grab her and hold her but that would come later.

"I’m sorry, Sassy. I can’t help it. The first man I meet since we come here and he has an accent. A beautiful, lovely accent, and a gentle manner," she sobbed and sniffled between words. "I’m afraid, Sassy, so afraid." She was hyperventilating.
I rummaged through the backpack, sorry I hadn’t acquainted myself with all the pockets and zippers. There it was.

"Dr. O said this might happen," I said.

Victoria stopped mid-sob. "She did? What’s happening?" I handed her a wad of toilet paper and she blew her nose, tossing the tissue in the waste paper basket.

"She said something might trigger you, especially a man, and I’m to give you one of these homeopathic pellets." I opened the vial and slipped one under her tongue. "Kinda pisses me off. They can fix your body, they said it would erase your memory of the event, hah, some event, but they can’t erase your cellular memory, or your emotional trigger. Damn."

"Sassy, it’s my fault. Don’t blame them. They all were so nice and helpful." She wiped her nose on her sleeve.

"Yeah. I know." I also knew she would just become part of an experiment and they’d tally her into some computer like another number.

"Cassandra said to rub this on your wrists," I said, opening a one ounce bottle and squeezing a few drops on her wrists. "Now rub them together. Good. Better?" How could she be? Shit.
"Actually, I do feel better. Oh, Sass, I’m so embarrassed." Her hands flew to her face and she hung her head.

"Don’t worry about it, Sweet Pea. I’m sure Mr. Wellington Sinclair is used to much greater traumas than this one. Now, wash your face." She did, dabbing it dry with a hand towel and peering at her image in the mirror.

"I look awful, Sassy," she moaned. I agreed but didn’t say so.

"Here, I have some make up in my backpack." I pulled out the purple leather bag and handed it to her. She repaired her eye make up, dabbed some blush on her cheeks and her swollen eyes disappeared.

"Oh, Sassy, I’m such a fool."

"Not. Come on, you look great. Let’s find out what kind of roommate Tom really has." I hugged her hard and took her hand, opening the bathroom door with the other. The CD player belted out a feisty "What do you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?" I laughed. Victoria smiled. I thanked Tom with my eyes.

"Perhaps we should start over again," Wellington said. "I don’t think you got a proper look at me." He bent over and looked at her between his legs and smiled. She giggled. Good. Everything would be just fine. I wondered how much Tom had told him.

Wellington joined us in a game of cards.

The snowy afternoon light faded and Tom got up to turn on lights and change the music.
"Time to start dinner. Count me out of the next game."

"I’ll help." I glanced at Victoria to see if she’d be okay with Wellington but they were already engaged in talking about the history of the playing card. Tom and I turned to the small kitchen, dancing our bodies against each other as we reached for pots and pans, and a cutting space on the tiny table in front of the long, narrow window looking out on a neighbor’s garden. Life was good again.

Entry 44

I couldn’t believe we didn’t make love. I awoke, still wrapped in Tom’s arms, a sweet sleep smile on his face. God, I wanted a lot more out of this relationship than I was willing to admit.
I had to pee like a racehorse. I wonder where that expression originated. I think it should be ‘I have to pee like a woman.’ I tried to slip quietly from his embrace and let him have whatever sweet dreams lingered. I reluctantly escaped his arms and edged off the bed. Suddenly he lunged and grabbed me, pulling me back into the warmth of him, laughing.

"I don’t want to let you out of my sight, you beautiful woman." His voice was morning deep and sexy.

"I’m not going far, dearheart. I’ve really got to pee."

"Me too." He laughed. "You first."

Victoria had already tipped the sofa bed back into itself and the living room looked large and comfy. She was writing in her journal. I sat next to her.

"What would you ladies like to do today?" Tom asked, coming out of the bathroom.

"Sightseeing? A walk around the neighborhood? Whatever you wish. I have the day off."

Victoria and I looked at each other. I could see she was still tired, dark circles under her eyes. And I was certainly still out of whack.

"What do you think, Vic? A day at home? Maybe a walk around the block?"

"Really, Sassy? I’d love to do more but I’m just not up for it. Tom? Is that okay with you?"

Tom sat at our feet. "Your pleasure is my pleasure. I would like to take you out to breakfast. There’s a great little place just up the block. Think you’re up for that?"

"Yes," we said in unison. I realized I was famished.

After a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon and homemade biscuits at a local diner, we walked along the sidewalk, noting people and their dogs.

"I’m still getting used to shopping here. They don’t have big supermarkets like we do in Colorado. So, I’m going to stop at two places to pick up some things for dinner. I’ll be your chef tonight. Fish or chicken." Tom had cooked me many a dinner over the years and it didn’t matter. He always made food come alive with spices and experimentation. I glanced at Victoria.

"Either, Tom," she said.

"We’ll make it easy. Your choice." I slipped my arm through his. We stopped at a small market for salmon and two other shops for various items.

"Oh, look," Victoria said, pointing to a little yarn shop tucked between a hair salon and a vegetable market.

"Let’s go in," Tom suggested but I’d already opened the door. If Victoria started knitting it might help her process the madness of the past month. I spotted a skein of rainbow eyelash yarn and picked it up, its softness glorious in my hand.

Tom settled in a chair, a smile on his face whenever I’d whoop over some lovely color or texture. Victoria and I wandered around and around the tiny shop, finding yarn, needles and accessories of the fiber arts. I swallowed hard when I thought of my collection at home, which no longer existed. My home or my grandmother’s knitting needles. Shit. I picked up a skein of downy soft alpaca, checked the dye lot and bought enough for a scarf and hat for Tom.

Victoria bought a bag full of a bright red cashmere/alpaca blend to make a poncho for herself.

Burdened with bags of food and yarns, we wended our way back to Tom’s apartment.

Entry 43

While Victoria showered, Tom and I pulled out the pre-made sofa bed which occupied most of the living room. I appreciated his ability to plan ahead even on short notice. We sat sipping tea on the edge of the bed, thighs touching and making small talk until Victoria joined us.

"I hate to be a party pooper but I really need to sleep." She stretched with a yawn and climbed into bed.

"We’ll leave you alone. I’ll turn out the lights. There’s a night light in case you get up and want to move around," Tom said, pointing to the Statue of Liberty nightlight next to the sofa.

"Sleep tight, Sweet Pea," I said, kissing Victoria on the forehead. "We’ll talk more in the morning."

"Night night," she murmured. "I love you, Sass. Thanks for everything."

"I love you too. You’re welcome for everything."

Tom and I finished our tea in his bedroom.

"I’ve met men like Chadwick before," he said. "So charming on the surface that we should all know to be aware. I’m so sorry Victoria was hurt."

"Tom, I think she might have died if it weren’t for Dr. O. I haven’t told you about her. Oh, there’s so much to tell. To backtrack. It’s so complicated. I think nobody knows about it and then I learn that Johnni knows more than I think she does. So let me backtrack and start at the beginning."

Tom nodded and scooted back, propping himself up on a pillow and watching me. I told him the whole story from the beginning. How I felt about everything. I included still being amazed that my long time crush on him was a burning reality. He kissed my nose. Nothing else. He wanted me to finish.

"I can’t believe your house burned, Sassy. My God, you might have been in it. Shit." He shuttered.

"I’m still numb, Tom. There’s too much emotion roiling inside me to get a handle on it. I just want them to lock that jerk up for life."

"That’s all?"

"Yup. You know I don’t believe in capital punishment. Even in this situation. Let him ponder his evil deeds," I said. "Tom, I’ve missed you."

"Me too, you." He nuzzled my neck with kisses and I shivered. "Do you know how long you can stay?"

"I guess until Dr. O or somebody feels it’s safe. Oh, did you understand Victoria in the car? Danny Boy is here. He’ll just be in the background watching over me, over us. You may not even notice him," I said.

"Remember, I’m a reporter too. And now my beloved is in trouble, you don’t think I’ll notice a giant hanging out wherever we go?" He chuckled.

"Yeah. Of course. He’s a really nice guy."

"So am I." He was unzipping my jeans.

I rolled over and turned the light off and melted into his embrace.

Entry 42

The airbus landed easily and we exited into the crowded airport, shuffling our way along toward baggage. I wondered if Tom would really meet us here. I spotted Victoria’s new suitcases coming off the conveyor belt and helped grab them from the crowd of miscellaneous bags. We waited for mine. And waited. The crowd was thinning. I turned and saw Tom coming through the entrance and waved.

I hurried, not very politely, passing people and threw myself into his arms.

"I’ve been worried about you, Sassy," he said into my ear and kissed it.

"Me too. God, I’m glad to see you." We kissed, that oh-I-want-more kind of kiss when you know you can’t have more. His eyes raked my face, searching. "I’m okay, Tom. And so is Victoria. C’mon. She’s waiting for my luggage."

We walked to his car, a biting wind hurrying us along through the midst of traffic and travelers. Tom pulled two suitcases, Victoria and I, one each.

Freeway traffic was worse than Fondis at sunset. We inched along in the fast lane. I just kept looking at Tom’s wonderful profile. Victoria sat in the back seat, discovering new things in her backpack.

"Look, Sass. Vitamins. I think I could benefit from those when we eat."

"I’m going the long way home and we’ll stop at the best Thai restaurant in New York City." He smiled. I could tell he enjoyed discovering his new home. We’d talked about the city for so long and here he was, living here, working here. I was jealous.

"I borrowed my neighbor’s car to pick you up. It’s too long for a taxi ride and we don’t really need to rent a car. You’ll love the subway, Sassy." I knew I would. I loved everything about New York, even the bogged down traffic jam we were in. Nothing else mattered. I was here with Tom. Life was good.

Victoria tapped me on the shoulder. "Isn’t that…" she pointed to the UPS van next to us, "Danny Boy," she whispered.

I turned and smiled. Yup. "He must have caught a private jet that could accommodate his size. Bless him," I said.

"You don’t think that’s creepy, Sass?" She was still whispering.

"Nope. I think that’s Danny Boy, doing his job, whatever it is. Remember, it’s because of him that you’re safe. Me too."

"I know. I’m not ungrateful. Just freaked on the edges."

"Sassy, I want all of the details later," Tom said.

"Everything. Everything, yes. Later."

Traffic didn’t get any lighter when we got off the freeway and we had to circle around a couple of times when Tom missed a street.

"I’m not used to driving here. My legs are getting really strong from all the walking. I think big city living is very healthy." He smiled at me and parked on a side street below an overhead train. I wanted to check out his strong legs.

"I love New York," I said, taking in the mix of people, the graffiti, the stacked trash, the ambiance, the lure of the yet to be discovered.

"Wait ‘til you really see it, my love," Tom said, sliding an arm around my waist. "Come, Victoria, you’ll love this place too."

We walked several blocks and entered a small, rather ordinary restaurant for the most extraordinary Thai taste treat, Sripraphai. I opted for drunken noodles, Vic for phad thai and Tom for something I couldn’t pronounce. We shared bites and surface stories about our flight. Tom kept looking at each of us as if we might disappear.

The lights of the city at night took my breath away.

"That’s the Chrysler Building over there, the one on the left is the Empire State Building," Tom pointed as we drove home. Home. What a concept. I suddenly remembered I didn’t have one. That made me quiet for a while as we drove to Tom’s apartment in Astoria, also known as Long Island City.

Tom unlocked the front entrance and we hauled our suitcases up to his second floor apartment.

"It’s small but cozy," he forewarned us as he opened two locks and pushed the door open. "A one bedroom that I share with Wellington Sinclair. He’s an on-air reporter. You may have seen him on CNN or MSNBC. Used to be with Fox. I met him years ago when we were both assigned to cover the Pinchot’s reign of terror in Chile. Anyway, he’s mostly abroad so I take the bedroom. When he’s in town, he uses the sofa bed that you can take now Victoria. Make yourselves at home." Tom pulled my suitcases into his bedroom.

It was small but charming. It felt like Tom even though I didn’t recognize some of the stuff which must be Wellington’s. Wow, what a name. He did sound familiar but I couldn’t place him. The polished wood floors shone in the candles that Tom lit. Victoria collapsed on the sofa and stretched out.

"Tea?" Tom asked, heading for the tiny kitchen. I followed him and watched as he filled the kettle and turned on the gas stove. Then I slid my arms around him and held on like it was the most important thing in the world. Because it was.

Entry 41

The Colorado Springs Airport is my favorite. Smaller than Denver International and much easier to get around. Fondis International is too busy and I run into too many people I know. We saw Dr. Pipkin off at his gate and showed our ID once again to enter our concourse.

We settled at a soup and salad bar near our gate. I had chicken noodle, my all time comfort food, and Victoria had clam chowder. The fresh bread was delicious smothered in slabs of butter.

Victoria looked down at her new outfit. "A shopping spree without having to trek around a mall. Not bad, eh, Sassy?" We both sported new jeans that looked fashionably old, hiking boots, sweatshirts over T-shirts. Our underwear was practical cotton and our socks heavy and warm. We looked remarkably neutral in our fleece hats, our identity as similar to those around us as I could imagine.

Ducky had been a hoot. If she’d been topside, I would have interviewed her in a minute. A peach colored blonde in spike heels and skin tight jeans with a red silk shirt. She’d been a wardrobe designer in Hollywood and circumstances had brought her to Colorado and the Fondis Sub-base. She didn’t elaborate on the circumstances. She’d poked and prodded and had us try on several different outfits that were fun and fantastic. Cassandra cleared her throat and Ducky whisked off the creations and sighed.

"You two have wonderful bodies. How I’d love to fix you up nice but Miss Fussy Pants over there disapproves." Victoria and I had giggled and looked regretfully at Cassandra. "The goal is…?" Ducky rolled her eyes and looked at Cassandra.

"Plain. Normal. Blending in clothes. You know," Cassandra emphasized She gave the wardrobe mistress a stern look.

Apparently Ducky did. She shrugged and opened another closet and began from the surface outward. We turned to the full length mirrors and eyed some rather normal Colorado mountain girls. Fine.

"But I’ll give you a few surprises here," she giggled. I turned from the mirror and saw her packing four suitcases, two red bags for Victoria and two green ones for me.

"And don’t forget these," she handed us each a pair of fashionable sunglasses.

I finished my soup and turned to people watch.

"I wonder what’s in our back packs," Victoria said, unzipping her red leather bag. We’d each been given a driver’s license with current photos. I’d stuffed mine in my jeans pocket. I turned now to Victoria.

"Look, Sassy." She flashed a passport with her name and picture on it. I frowned. She stuffed it quickly back in her bag.

I unzipped my tan backpack and found the same thing.

"Sassy, what’s going on here? Are we in big trouble or what?"

I shook my head. "I don’t really know, Vic. I think everything is going to be fine. I think this…", I glanced around. No one was paying any attention to us, "is just an extra precaution. Let me tell you what Johnni said." I explained.

"So, we could be in trouble. That’s why all this secret escape stuff. We really aren’t safe."

I gazed unseeing at the nearby passengers, at the folks of all races and attire moving toward their own destinies. In the distance I saw a familiar bulk of a man leaning against a pillar reading a paper.

"We’re safe, Vic. Really." I found a romance novel in my backpack. "Let’s go to our gate and catch up on some reading. Probably best to keep our references generic." We hugged as we stood and then found a seat where we could see the flight desk.

I pulled out the dark green leather wallet and looked inside. Five twenties and a hundred. A credit card with my name on it. Dr. O said she’d take care of everything. I was beginning to believe her.

Our flight to JFK on the Red Tail airbus was unremarkable. I watched a movie and Victoria slept.

Entry 40

I didn’t recognize a number of faces around the conference table as Dr. O settled into the head chair. I figured this was a debriefing and Victoria and I would go topside. Dr. O started out talking to her team in outrageous medical terms and I couldn’t follow. I squeezed Vic’s hand and smiled.

Danny Boy entered a side door and walked toward Dr. O, stooping to whisper in her ear. Dr. O excused herself and stepped outside the room. I hadn’t seen Danny Boy in a while and wondered what he’d been up to. Dr. O returned and took a seat, a stern look on her face.
"Sometimes circumstances dictate our choices. We have a change of plans happening as we speak. I am sorry to be abrupt with you, Sassy. Your house was burned to the ground. We will implement Plan B to guarantee the safety of both you and Victoria."

The shock of her words twisted in my brain. I couldn’t register the reality.

"No. What? What happened?" My house? All my books? "No. Spook, what about Spook?" I was on my feet wanting to run but not being able to, frozen. The door opened again and Danny Boy walked in with Spook nestled in his arms. I ran and threw my arms around Danny Boy, sobbing, and grabbed Spook and hugged him. He purred and then jumped to Danny Boy’s shoulder, like he didn’t want to be too affectionate in front of a group of strangers. I pulled myself together and went back to Victoria who was standing with her mouth open.

"Chadwick recovered from his bout with Danny Boy and retaliated. The sheriff was notified and Chadwick is in jail. For the time being. Pending bail. We need to get you both out of here. Spook can stay with us. He’s found a friend," Dr. O said. I hadn’t noticed the cat that followed Danny Boy into the room.

"Not Fondis International Airport," Cassandra said.

"You’re right. Dr. Pipkin, you’re flying out of Colorado Springs later today, aren’t you?"

The elderly doctor nodded.

"I’ll ask you to accompany our young ladies," Dr. O said.

"No. I want to see it. I don’t believe it." I was frantic.

"You don’t want to see it, Sassy Girl." Danny Boy’s voice rumbled around me.

"Cassandra?" Dr. O turned to the tiny woman who was already at a computer screen and in minutes turned.

"I have them on a flight two hours after Dr. Pipkin leaves. It’s the closest I could book on short notice."

"Fine. That will do."

"But," I began. All these people were making plans for us and not asking us what we wanted. "My house?" At least Spook was going to be okay. "And where are we going? And why can’t we stay here?" My camera bag, my files. Fuck.

Danny Boy left the room and returned with my camera bag. I’m freaking out now. He carried my file folder with all my disks of research and all my negatives and digital files. Whoever he was, he sure as hell was my guardian angel.

"We’ll keep these here in safe keeping, Sassy," his cavernous voice tumbled around my disbelief.

"I still don’t know what’s going on. What about Chadwick? How can he get away with this?" I noticed Dr. O was on the phone. She nodded and waved her hand at me.

"Sassy, come here. It’s for you." She handed me the phone.

"Yes," I said, distrusting.

"Sassy. Johnni here. Don’t panic on me now, girlfriend. We have to handle this with kid gloves. Chadwick is part of a ring. The print shop was a front. You and Victoria just happened to play into his game and he was afraid he’d be revealed. I’m sorry about your house. Danny Boy went back after he rescued you and retrieved your files—and your cat. Don’t ask any more questions. Just go now. You have your cell?"

"Uh huh," I nodded, numb.

"I’ll be in touch." She rang off.

I turned to Victoria and hugged her.

"Where are we going?"

"New York. Tom will meet you," Dr. O said. "Johnni talked to him."

I was still wearing my pajamas. How could I go to New York? All my clothes were ashes. I looked up at Dr. O in despair.

"I know, Sassy. I’ve called Ducky and she’ll be right here to help you."

"Ducky?"

"Temporary wardrobe department, emergency division."

"Oh."

"But Sassy’s house?" Victoria squeaked.

"I have to see it," I tried to sound forceful but I know my voice was pitiful.

***
Victoria insisted on going with me. It was a last minute concession that Dr. O granted when Cassandra discovered that Dr. Pipkins flight had been delayed an hour.

Dressed in old coveralls, Vic and I followed Danny Boy along the path, down by the creek bed and through the brush and grasses to the side road leading to my house. Or what had been my house.

I called it mine like it was a possession but I was just the last renter of a century. It had been old and run down but it was my home. Cheap rent and a cozy haven when the truth of journalistic trekking got me down.

A bitter, acrid stench hit my nostrils before my eyes could focus. There was nothing where there had been something. My home. Victoria slipped her arm around my waist as we stood beneath the old cottonwood behind the back fence, all that was left of my domain. I gagged and staggered behind the tree, vomiting bile. Danny Boy wiped my mouth with his massive handkerchief and ushered us back along the path, away from the debris of my life.

"Aconite. Get the Aconite," Dr. O said as I stepped out of the elevator. She was talking greek again. I just needed, shit, I didn’t know what I needed.

"Aconite is a homeopathic remedy," she explained, reading my mind once again. "It will help. We use it when what we have seen is unacceptable. You will feel better. I didn’t want you to have to go through this but in the long run, it will be best. Open wide and lift your tongue." She slipped a tiny white pellet in my mouth. "Now, off with you to see Ducky."

Entry 39

Cassandra had been right. I didn’t like the observation room. I didn’t like looking down on Victoria’s seemingly lifeless body being manipulated by a group of masked doctors and assistants. I didn’t understand the machines and tools they were using. But I couldn’t leave. I stood and then sat in a fascinated torpor.

"Sassy, you want to help Victoria, don’t you?"

"God, yes," I croaked.

"Your fear does not help her. She is very in tune with you so she will pick up everything you’re projecting right now. And I’m reading your fear." I frowned. "Do you deny it?" she asked.

"No." I dropped my eyes from the glass panel and turned toward her compassionate face.

"What can I do?"

"Sit or stand. Look at her or close your eyes and imagine her in her healthiest body." I decided to sit and to close my eyes. I remembered a day last summer when we were walking along the lake and started playing, running and playing and laughing. The sunshine glistened off the water and we collapsed in a fit of laughter under a towering pine tree.

"Okay," I said.

"Now send Victoria Reiki energy," Cassandra instructed.

"I don’t know how," I mumbled.

"Just like you did when you sat at her feet. Imagine your hands and the feeling of the energy."
I did. It was there. "Yes."

"Now let the energy flow toward Victoria. You can feel it." I nodded. "Let the energy have a color."

I saw a rainbow coming out of my hands and smiled.

"Let the energy surround Victoria."

I saw a rainbow colored egg around her body, gleaming with pristine jewel like colors, the brightness beyond sunshine.

"Now allow the colors to enter her body."

The colors swirled, each one flowing like a mobius strip, interweaving with each other, entering her body and healing it.

"Excellent. Now just let the energy run. Watch it to see if the patterns shift. It will go where she needs it. When you tire, tell me and I will take over." Cassandra’s musical voice stopped.
The colors danced and sang through Victoria’s body. They swirled and twinkled, spiraled and ribboned. A long time passed and I realized I was tired.

"Your turn, Cassandra." I yawned. I felt her take the rainbow shift. I opened my eyes and stretched out on the inviting sofa, pulling a soft blanket over my body and drifted off to sleep.
Victoria and I were at Haleakala in Hawaii doing an ancient ceremony with Queen Hulala Deirdre. Water spirits spun around us as we swam in the peaceful waters. A dolphin touched my nose with hers and I laughed. The queen called in a giant whale who scooped Victoria up on her back, balancing her, healing her. Victoria and I lay naked on the beach, absorbing the gift of warm from Father Sun. Queen Hulala braided our hair, put fragrant leis around our necks and invited us to the fire dance.

I awoke as Cassandra touched my hand. "Victoria is in her room now. You may see her briefly." I rubbed my eyes and stretched.

Victoria rested in a pale pink room with valanced curtains of roses and daisies on the artificial window looking over an ocean scene. She was in a hospital bed but everything was decorated to look like a comfy home setting. I walked slowly to the side of the bed. Her face showed no bruises. I wanted to pull back the covers to look at her body but hesitated.

"Vic?"

"Umm. Hi, Sass. You’re right. We’re going to be okay."

"Yeah. You look great."

"Good. I don’t know what happened. But I feel good. Sorta like I was down and out but now the sun is shining." She smiled at me. Tears ran down my cheeks.

Cassandra used a step stool and climbed to the other side of the bed.

"You remember Cassandra, Vic?"

"Kinda. Hi."

Cassandra glowed when she smiled. "I’m so happy to meet you formally, Victoria. Sassy’s told me a lot about you."

"Nothing personal, I hope." Victoria laughed and I cried more.

"Nope. Never," I managed a smile.

"Are you hungry?" Cassandra asked.

"Maybe. A little bit."

"Do you have a taste for anything in particular?"

"This may sound weird. I was dreaming about Hawaii and you Sassy—oh, and Deirdre. I’m hungry for papaya."

"Excellent." Cassandra smiled and left the room.

"Oh, Vic, I’m so glad you’re okay."

"Of course I am. I don’t seem to remember much. Thanks for being with me, dear Sassy." She stroked my cheek. "Don’t cry, honey. I’m okay."

"I know. That’s why I’m crying."

"It must have been worse than I think." She wiped a tear.

"It was."

Cassandra returned with fresh, diced papaya.

"This is the best hospital ever," Victoria said. "Hey, why am I in a hospital."

"Sassy will tell you later," Cassandra said and looked at me like I wasn’t supposed to tell her now.

"I remember the time we went to Hawaii," I said. "Walking in the sand and listening to the surf from our room. We had such a good time."

"Umhmm. Remember that handsome Hawaiian singer you went out with a couple of times and I was jealous." Victoria laughed. I frowned. Did we always have these issues with men? Shit.
"Victoria, you need to rest now. Sassy will come back when you wake up. Sleep now, dear girl. I’ll check on you later. I’m going to take Sassy to her room." I didn’t want to leave but I didn’t want to make a fuss and upset Victoria in any way. I kissed Victoria’s cheek and reluctantly followed Cassandra out of the room.

I awoke wondering where I was and the whole mess crashed into my head. Shit. I had to find Victoria, to see if she was really okay. What was a dream? What was real? What was reality, anyway?

A dim light illuminated the stainless steel hallway with a remote glow. I retraced my steps, hoping that I’d found Victoria’s room. I eased the door open—to a broom closet. Damn. It must be the next door. I opened it and looked into the farm fresh pink room with Victoria sleeping peacefully. Closing the door behind me I tiptoed to the bed. She looked great. Her dark hair had grown out into an almost stylish crop and glowed with a healthy sheen. I ran my fingers through my hair, noticing that it had grown also. But I doubted that it looked at all stylish. I felt rumpled and disoriented.

I pulled a chair forward and sat next to Victoria’s bed, my feet propped on a rung under the bed, and closed my eyes. When I finally talked to Tom again I wouldn’t know where to begin. I drifted off.

Entry 38

"Sassy, come with me," Cassandra’s melodic voice interrupted my misgivings about Victoria leaving with Dr. O, surgical garb, accompanied by two orderlies.

We entered a jungle room, plants blooming everywhere, fronds of green towering over my head. In the midst of the verdant green was a miniature desk and chair.

"This is my office," Cassandra said with a sweep of her hand. I sank unto to an ottoman on the other side of the desk as she settled.

"Sassy, this was all going to happen in a gradual manner."

"This? This what?" Cut to the chase. Whatever she had to tell me could be straight forward. I wanted to get back to Victoria.

"You already know the basics of our laboratory research here. We delve into the impossible. When science says there is no cure, we don’t believe that as an absolute. We often do research that has been outlawed above." I liked that.

"Stem cell research should not be restricted by governmental approval predicated on personal religious beliefs. For several years we have been making significant progress with the assistance of stem cell data and other alternative methods to reduce breast cancer."

"Wow. I wish you’d figured it out before Maggie died." I pursed my lips and took a deep breath. The humidity in the room was perfect. I felt eased by it, my skin nurtured. Colorado above ground was dry and bitter and left me feeling desiccated.

"Me too. Maggie actually helped us a lot. She allowed us to do tests that revealed much information for our research. Dr. O is in the initial stages of dedicating a wing at the hospital in Maggie’s name." I didn’t know what to say.

"I, we, wanted you to have some background. Let me talk to you about Victoria."

"Please. Will she be alright?"

"If anyone can help her, it’s Dr. O and her team. Yes. Victoria will be fine." I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I knew what she said was true.

"Dr. O wanted you to have access to the observation room. I disagreed. You don’t have a medical background; you are highly stressed; you are personally involved with the patient. We don’t do this usually. We don’t take patients from above. We’ve made an exception in Victoria’s case. She wasn’t to be introduced to the program for many months. Circumstances have escalated the plan." I was trying to follow the details. Was I going to be able to be with Victoria?

"Daniel made the judgement call to save you both. There was a stellar alignment with Mars that laid the foundation for many people to act from their lowest point of expression. Victoria was the victim, a role I know she doesn’t like to play."

"What are you going to do to Victoria?" Give me the facts, please. Enough astrology and yada yada.

"Victoria will receive an MRI. The results will tell the team what the next procedure will be. She will be given medication that will allow Dr. O to heal the internal injuries—probably with surgery. We have very advanced laser techniques and other methods of repair. She will not remember any of the procedure, or why she is here. So, back to you. We decided to let you decide. Do you want to go to the observation deck?"

"Of course. I’m a reporter."

"Reporters aren’t always objective about a loved one," she reminded me.

"I want to be there." Fuck objectivity.

"The process will take a long time. I will stay with you and answer any questions you have. Now, take this." She swiveled on her tiny chair, opened a drawer and poured some liquids into a beaker. I balked.

"What is this?"

"This is a fortifier. You are at low ebb. Before you undertake anything else new, I want you take this." She handed me the glass container filled with a golden peach liquid. I sipped cautiously. It tasted like apricots and kiwis.

"Delicious," I said and gulped it down.

"You will need your strength. You are undernourished, over stressed and emotionally distraught." I was not. Who the hell did she think she was? I felt the liquid warm in my belly, swirling out into my arms, legs, hands and feet. Fuck. She was right. I hated to admit it. I needed the little woman at my side as much as I resented it.

She moved around the desk and took my hands. "Take a deep breath, Sassy. You even forget to breathe sometimes." Shut up—but she was right. Damnit.

"Sassy, you’re the strong one, the practical one. That’s how you think of yourself? Yes?"

"Yes."

"It is a good position for you most of the time. But you forget to feel, to find your own emotions, to let them out. It is safe for you to do that here. I sense your resistance. That’s okay too. Just know that we will all respect it." Cassandra’s voice was charming me. I sighed and looked at the serenity in her face. A peace reflected there that I’d never felt.

"Can we go see Victoria now?" I’d deal with my own issues later. Anytime later. Just let Victoria be okay. Even though she looked fine when we were sitting there, I knew she had deep internal problems, both physical and emotional.

I followed Cassandra down endless hallways, right turn, left turn, until I lost my intrinsic sense of direction and felt a panic rising in my chest. I didn’t know how to get out of here. What had I gotten Victoria into, anyway? Would she be okay? What did I really know about any of these people. Could I really trust them? With Victoria’s life? You’re damned right I wanted to watch the procedures. Would I know if they were doing something wrong? If it was all experimental, was Victoria just a guinea pig? What if she sustained serious, life long damage. What the fuck was I doing?

The alternatives rose up in my mind. If we’d stayed in the attic, if Danny Boy hadn’t come along. If Chadwick had come in the house. If he’d found the attic entrance behind my dresser. If he’d come upstairs. Shit. I couldn’t follow it any further. I was afraid. I’m always afraid of men who are quiet and pleasant on the surface and you don’t know what’s brewing underneath. Well, women too for that matter but I tend to read women easier than men. He had a rage on when he attacked Victoria. Who knows what he would have done with the two of us.
And what was that weird thing Victoria said? That everyone knew we were lesbians? Too weird. I think this dude doesn’t know what he’s hearing. He probably thinks the whole lot of us in the Bosom Buddy’s Group are gay. That almost made me laugh. It was a support group for women with breast cancer. Victoria, Maggie and I learned a lot in that group.

No, I had to admit that following Danny Boy’s lead was the best choice. He hadn’t let me down before. He seemed to always know when I was in trouble. And now when Victoria was in trouble. Too bad he didn’t get there before Chadwick went bezerk. Fuck.

Entry 37

Clad in a soft pink velour robe, Victoria sat in a winged backed chair of floral tapestry upholstery, sipping chamomile tea with honey. She looked as normal as she had yesterday—except for the bruising on her face.

"Victoria, we need to know what happened. What you were feeling. Who did this to you? We need all the details. I want to do several testing procedures that will require you to be out. The process will obscure these memories so you must speak them first out loud and release them with words. Then we can heal your body," Dr. O said.

I thought she was leaving something out but I didn’t say anything. I wanted to hear Victoria’s story as much as Dr. O did.

Victoria looked at me and then Dr. O and actually blushed. "I don’t know you, Doctor. I admit to feeling embarrassed." Victoria dropped her gaze and took a sip of tea.

"Would you be more comfortable if I left, if you told Sassy?"

Victoria nodded and looked at me again.

"Do we have your permission to listen? It will help the medical analysis and our ability to heal you."

"Okay."

Dr. O left the room. I was certain the mirror was a two way job and that the comfy room was miked. Clever interrogation room.

"You okay, Vic?"

"Yeah. But it was horrible, Sassy. I can’t believe I got myself involved with such a freak. It started that night we dropped you off at the paper. He wanted to come back and pick you up so the three of us could have sex. I thought he was kidding. Until later. Oh, God, I was such a fool." She sank her head to her hands.

This was not where I thought it would be going. "That’s weird, Vic."

"He said everybody knew about us. I asked what that meant. He said we were sleeping together and he’d heard about us. Then we took him to the Strip Strap Club. He drew some incorrect conclusions. I tried to set him straight, tell him the truth. He wouldn’t listen. He called me a slut and a whore."

"And he beat you. Bastard."

"Not then. He just verbally abused me then but I didn’t see the pattern. I was still buying his phony politeness around town. Don’t ask me why. Everybody likes him, says how lucky I am to be dating him. Hah!"

"Yeah. My grandmother called them street angels, house devils. It’s an old pattern. Shit. I’m so sorry, Vic."

"He said he wanted me to have sex with him and Tabitha. Can you believe that? I said no. That I wasn’t having sex with him anymore, period. That’s what put him into a rage. His fist hit my face and my head banged on the counter as I fell. I think I blacked out. He was cursing and kicking me. When I didn’t move, he stormed out the door yelling that he’d be back and I’d do what he said. His accent doesn’t sound so lovely when he’s out of control." She wiped her tears and covered her face.

I was on the floor, sitting at her feet, rubbing her knee. "I’m so sorry, Vic. So very sorry." I remember sitting at my grandmother’s feet like this, rubbing her knees, just touching her, after she had surgery. I looked at Victoria’s bruised face and wounded eyes. I could do that Reiki stuff on her now, maybe make her feel better. I opened my mind, letting go of the image before me, and asked the energy to come into my hands. Yes, there it was. I rested my palms on her knees. I think I can talk and do this at the same time. That’s some kind of multi-tasking.

"You didn’t deserve this, Vic. Don’t you worry. I got you into this, I’ll get you out." I knew better than to make wild promises that I couldn’t keep but I’d die trying. "Son of bitch asshole." I had the impression that I wasn’t supposed to make judgments while I was running this energy. Jeez, I was sounding more and more like lalaland Deirdre.

"You didn’t get me into this. I did," she sobbed.

"Vic, going to the strip joint was my idea. I didn’t have to drag you along. It was just a story. And I see how it put Chadwick’s mind into a different framework. Fuckin’ A." I didn’t want to have any understanding about the low life that would damage my dear friend. I felt tears in my eyes and focused on the Reiki energy again.

"Sassy, I was charmed by him the minute I saw him. You know how I fall for accents. Or a great intellect. Remember that guy from India that I went out with?" I did. That one was a charmer too but the cultural difference were too much for Victoria. "

"All of them can be slime balls. This time I really am swearing off men."

"I know. We keep doing that. How do you feel?"

"Like shit." She tried to smile but I could see her face hurt from the effort. "I don’t know. I think something’s going on here." She laid a hand on her stomach.

"Dr. O will take care of you," I said.

"Who is she, Sass? You seem to know her."

"It’s a long story, Vic. I think she’ll tell you when you’re better. All I can say is we can trust her."

"If you trust her, I do." A finger touched my hand. "Did you trust Chadwick?"

"Shit, Vic. I wanted to, I tried to. I kept having misgivings about him. It all seemed too fast, too slick. But I know good things come along when you least expect them. I was so happy to be in Tom’s arms and figured you’d found a warm relationship too. We were both hurting so much and …I didn’t trust him, Victoria. But I didn’t want to interfere with your choice. I’ve been wrong plenty of times in relationships. So, that says I didn’t trust myself. Shit. I’m rambling. I trusted you, not him."

"Sassy. A new pact, okay? If I think some guy is fucking you over and you don’t see it, I’m telling you. You do the same for me. If we fight about it, that’s okay. Okay?"

I stood up and kissed her forehead. "Okay."

Entry 36

I grabbed my old down jacket and jammed my arms in the sleeves, flicked off the lights and then back on. Searching for my halogen flashlight, I turned in circles and located it right where I always kept it. I saw Danny Boy lumber through the rusty old gate in the back yard. I didn’t even know it opened. Guess that will teach me to investigate my own territory.

Dousing the lights again, I locked the back door and hurried after Danny Boy and Victoria. I followed his tracks along the end of the block where his yeti like footprints veered off down what appeared to be an old path. The snow fell in a thick curtain blocking my vision. I tucked my head down and forged on cursing my forgetfulness. A hat would have been nice.
Snow collected rapidly in Danny Boy’s footprints and I hurried as best I could. My cheeks were numb, my nose forgotten to memory, my ears icy and burning. I saw outbuildings, sheds, a garage and turned into a walkway and stumbled up the stairs. Turning the knob without knocking, I staggered into Esther’s front parlour. Of course.

"Come," Cassandra said, clutching my hand and pulling me down a hallway I hadn’t seen before. She paused after many doors. "Here," she said and opened the door quietly. I followed her into a clinical setting, a no nonsense doctor’s office. Dr. O had a stethoscope on Victoria.
"You’re here, Sassy. Good. Victoria is seriously injured." I held my breath. Please don’t let anything happen to Victoria. I couldn’t stand it.

"What can I do?" I felt so helpless.

"We’ll need you. I can’t do all my testing here. I’ll stabilize her with some basic homeopathy but I need to do an MRI, run tests, get a lab report." She sighed, glancing down at Victoria’s pale face, her eyes closed. "I wasn’t ready to introduce her below but we have to take her there now. I’ll show you what to do when we get there. Cassandra, get Danny Boy. Tell him we’re going below."

I walked to Victoria’s side and held her hand. "You’re going to be okay now. You’re safe." Her eyes were closed and I couldn’t tell if she heard me. Then she pressed her fingers slightly. We’d make it together.

Inside the elevator, Danny Boy once again carried Victoria. Dr. O was making notes on a clipboard.

"Put it in mute. I don’t want any more stress on her body. It is better to take the extra time." Cassandra nodded, her fingers flying over a keyboard. I didn’t feel that drop away in my stomach this time. Dr. O was making sure Victoria didn’t feel it either. Jeez, how was Vic going to feel about this experience she was about to have? It had been crazy for me and now what about her, attacked, beaten and injured? I was frowning when Dr. O reached out a finger and ran it down my forehead and nose.

"Relax, little one. Victoria has a very strong constitution. She will be fine." I nodded, unconvinced.

The doors slid open. Danny Boy laid Victoria on the waiting gurney. I followed.
"This is the Medical Wing," Dr. O stated the obvious. "We want to stabilize her and then debrief her. Come with us, Sassy."

Victoria opened her eyes. "Where am I?" She looked at me.

"Dr. O is going to take good care of you, Vic. She says you’re going to be fine so just listen to her."

"I’m thirsty."

"Good," said Dr. O, nodding at Cassandra who moved to a refrigerator and prepared a liquid.
"Electrolytes," Cassandra said, her voice soft and musical, as she climbed a step stool and lifted Victoria’s head to drink.

Dr. O efficiently slipped a needle into a vein, taped it down and started an IV. Victoria didn’t react at all, just kept her eyes on Cassandra. Maybe I should formerly introduce them. They seemed to be communicating without my interference so I kept the impulse to myself.

"Victoria, I want to you to do slow deep breathing now," Dr. O instructed. "Good. Cassandra, you begin Reiki on her head. I’m going to attune Sassy." What? Just take care of Victoria and I’d be fine.

Dr. O indicated the door with a head motion and I followed her out and across the hall to a small room.

"I don’t have time all the hoop de doo and rigamarole so we’re cutting straight to the chase." What a weird sentence, half Ester, half Dr. O.

"What are we chasing?"

"Don’t be flippant with me, Sassafras Cambridge. I am going to attune you to Reiki so you can help us work on Victoria. Later Deirdre or Cassandra or I will explain the history and process. But we need you now and you are perfectly capable of being of assistance."

"Okay. I’ll do anything I can to help Victoria."

"Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Stay focused." I felt her hands light on my head like a crown of fire. I’m not sure what happened after that. She spoke words, I felt energy hit my body, fly up like a phoenix rising out of the ashes of my soul. My fears disappeared. I was a radiant being in the cosmos. I drifted in a cloud of mystery, content and confident.

"Open your eyes slowly, begin to become aware of your body. Your feet, your legs, your arms. Gradually feel all your body connected and whole. Your whole being, body, mind and spirit are united to the highest good now. You can run this energy to help Victoria." Her words were hitting my brain but I wasn’t registering it in my mind. I followed her back to Victoria’s room, gliding on foam feet.

Cassandra’s hands were still on Victoria’s head.

"Sassy," Dr. O’s voice was soft. "Here, at her feet, put your hands here." I did. "Now, repeat the word I taught you and let the energy flow from the universe through you. You are the conduit."

I held Victoria’s cold, cold feet, my hands nurturing them. My fingers tingled, my palms were little heating pads. I felt a strange energy pass through me into Victoria. I was helping but I didn’t know how.

Victoria’s eyes fluttered and opened. She looked right at me, alert and present. "Thank you," she whispered, and dozed off again.

Entry 35

Something shattered in the living room, followed by a moan. I leapt from bed, wishing I had a dog, a big guard dog that would be growling and snarling and protecting me from some malicious intruder. Spook had probably hightailed it to the attic.

I flicked on the hall light as Victoria staggered toward me.

"Fuck," I gasped, running toward her. She collapsed into my arms, sobbing, blood dripping from her lip, her eye swelling into a massive bruise. She quivered like an aspen leaf. I led her into my bedroom and eased her into the chair. Her teeth chattered.

"What happened, Vic?" Was she in a car accident? A hit and run? No. She wouldn’t be here; she’d be at the hospital. "What the hell happened?" I couldn’t get my mind around it as I grabbed a face cloth and turned on the faucet.

She moaned, sobbing, bending over at the waist. What? Internal injuries also? She was in shock. Damn. Why hadn’t I taken that homeopathy class? I had to get her warm. I turned on the water in the tub and went back to dab gently at her face.

"Poor baby. I’m going to take care of you," I crooned, wondering how the hell I could do that. "You’re going to be fine. Can you tell me what happened?" Shit. I eased off her clothes and saw bruises on her quaking body.

"C’mon, Vic. A nice, warm bath will help." I eased her into the water and poured a few drops of lavender oil in. Deirdre had given it to me a while ago, lavender, the miracle cure, she’d said. I think we needed a miracle here alright. Lavender, calming, centering. I bathed her, sloshing water over her back, not touching the bruises. I didn’t like the look of this at all. Her tattoo looked bruised. What was going on?

"Vic, let’s get you outta here before it gets cold. I want you to stay warm." Her clothes were torn and bloody. I wrapped her in a blanket while I rummaged through my closet to find something that would fit her. Ah, that beautiful sweater my aunt knit that was too long for me but would be perfect for Victoria. And a pair of sweats. I helped her dress. The sweats reached just below her knees like bloomers. I threw my old cloak around her shoulders.

"There, that will keep you warm. Now, can you tell me how this happened?"

She snuffled. "Chadwick. We have to leave. He’ll come here."

"What? Chadwick did this to you. Fucking asshole. Jesus. I can’t believe this. Don’t judge a handsome guy by his accent, eh? You’re right, we gotta get outta here. He’ll come here first. I want all the details later." She nodded, crying again.

I heard a car squeal to a stop out front. Nobody used this alley at night. Fuck. We were in trouble.

"Upstairs. Can you manage the stairs?" I guided her to the attic stair, hidden behind my bureau.

"No." But she mustered and did one step at a time. Finally in the attic, I lifted the frayed eyelet curtain and peeked out the tiny window, looking below. Chadwick’s car lights were still on, illuminating big, fat flakes of wonderland snow swirling. The car door was open but I couldn’t see him. But I did see Danny Boy. I let out a sigh of relief.

"It’s going to be okay, Vic. You’re safe." I didn’t know what that meant at the moment. I just knew Danny Boy would take care of it. We had to get out of here but I was afraid of going down yet.

"No. We’re n-n-not s-sa-afe, Vic," she stuttered.

"Yes. It’s okay. Trust me." I usually meant that when I said it. Now I wasn’t even sure I trusted myself. I put my arms around her, holding her wounded body gently. I turned back to the window just in time to see Danny Boy put something or someone in the backseat. He closed the car door and pushed the vehicle around like a toy, heading it back down the alley. I couldn’t see Danny Boy anymore but I heard his voice downstairs.

"Sassy, where are you?"

Victoria backed up deeper between my stacks of boxed books.

"I’m coming," I called out, and took Victoria’s hand. "It’s Danny Boy. He’ll help us." We eased down the narrow stairwell. Danny Boy bent over to look into my bedroom.

"Come now. Oh. Victoria, girl, you’ve had a bad time of it." He lifted her like a rag doll, cradling her in his arms, and headed toward the back door, stooping his massive body. I followed.

Entry 34

I flopped on the sofa with my feet up. Spook jumped up on my belly, purring and making biscuits. I pressed memory dial through a series of numbers to pick up my voice mail. Tom’s wonderful voice made me horny. Victoria wanted me to call back to say I was home okay.

"Sassy girl, this is Esther. I wanna thank ya for that nice article ya wrote," she was using the crazy old lady hillbilly accent. Jeez, she could have gone into theatre. "Come see me tomorry and hava cuppa tea. Around 4. Bye bye now." Why she was pretending when I already knew her screen was beyond me. Did she think my phone was bugged?

Fine. I’d go see Esther, ask her some clear cut questions and then I was going to take Tom up on his offer. I could get Vic to stay here and take care of Spook. That was it. No other obligations. I was exhausted but sleep did not beckon.

Shoving my hands in my jacket pocket, I pulled out paper to throw in the trash. A hundred dollar bill? Johnni must have slipped in my pocket when I was scoping out her view of the world. Weird that she was being so supportive of me. Maybe she had been all along and I misinterpreted. Whatever. I’d take the cash. It might buy me a taxi ride across New York City.

I hung my jacket up and fed Spook.

Back on the sofa, I flicked on the TV and channel surfed. Anderson Cooper, Chris Matthews and Jon Stewart. Chris Matthews interviewed me a few years ago when the new Fondis International Airport had a bomb scare. Now the networks tend to contact KFND, the Fondis television station. They’ve asked me to go on air with them but I’m really into print media. I can work more in-depth and make sure my copy is accurate. I finally settled on a re-run of "The Ellen Degeneres Show." I don’t like taking all the baggage of the news to bed with me. A good laugh helps me sleep better.

Before I climbed into my lonely, cold bed (the same place that was sweet rhapsody when Tom was here), I put new film in the Nikon and downloaded the digital pictures into a computer file. Esther Dr. O had to let me take photos tomorrow if we went below. If not, I’d have the miniature digital and I’d be as surreptitious as she was. That would make her laugh.

I fixed a cup of decaf chai, stirred in honey and soy milk and crawled under the covers, reading my favorite romance writer and sipping the hot liquid. Spook jumped on the bed and stretched next to my body. A warm cat on a cold night, my trusty companion. If I moved to New York, I wondered how Spook would adapt. Now why was I thinking that? I’ve got a perfectly good job here and cheap rent and…no Tom. That kind of thinking could keep me up all night. I settled back into my book until my eyelids weighed heavy.

Maggie waved at me from the turret of the blue castle and flew off on gossamer wings. Blue tiger striped Tom lifted bar bells. Spook rode on Danny Boy’s shoulder under water. Johnni offered Victoria her perfectly balanced blue breasts. A monster with a British accent grabbed Victoria’s wings, crushing them. She screamed. Sobbing. Dreamtime sauntered in its own strange reality. Waking was a relief—or not.

My eyes wide open, I sat up in my own bed blinking into the darkness and still hearing sobs.

Entry 33

"I’ve gotta go," I whispered to Chadwick and Victoria. "You stay and enjoy the show. I’ll catch a bus back to the square." Tabitha had just walked through the exit and the mayor left through the front door. I figured they’d meet in the back alley.

Victoria and Chadwick were on my heels. "You’ve got to be kidding. I wouldn’t leave you alone in this area, Sass," Victoria said.

"Fine. Chadwick can you drive down the back alley inconspicuously?"

"At your service, Madame Sassy," he quipped and opened the door to the back seat like a chauffeur. "Back alley with my ladies, it is."

He cut the lights and pulled past the back entrance of the club. I didn’t see anything. Damn. All my hunches weren’t perfect. Or were they? The door opened and the surreptitious couple stood on the landing, a slant of street light illuminating them. I reached for my Nikon with the long lens. Perfect. It looked like a 1940s movie poster.

"Got it. Thanks, Chadwick. Let’s split." I punched in the private number to Johnni’s office.

"Yes?" she growled into the phone.

"Are you still in your office?"

"You dialed here. Of course I am."

"I’m coming up. I’ve got a scoop."

"You’re on vacation."

"I know. That’s why I’ll give you the scoop." I hung up.

"This is rather exciting, Sassy, being your assistant in spying," Chadwick said in that accent.

"Sorry I can’t give you a byline on this," I said.

They dropped me at the front door of the Fondis Daily News and I let myself in, walking through the darkened newsroom to the stairway that led to Johnni’s third floor office.
On one level this was no scoop at all. I mean, who really cares who is sleeping with whom? All this morality crap is so superficial. The pot calling the kettle black as my grandmother used to say. The scoop was that Mr. Mayor himself was making a big stink about the church and faithfulness and how important it was to be a good citizen. And he spouted off whenever he had the chance, negating gay marriages. I’d covered several lovely ceremonies here in Fondis that got picked up by Associated Press. Mr. Two Timing Mayor wasn’t going to see another day in office if I could help it. The two faced bastard. Let him fry in his own juices. Bad pun. I’m sure he was coming all over himself.

I knocked and let myself in. Johnni looked up, picture perfect at 11:30 at night after working all day. She really was annoying. At least I was learning that her bark was worse than her bite.
"What the hell are you doing here at midnight?" she snapped and pushed away from the computer. How could she look so good and be so bad?

"Tom left me some research he’d been working on when he moved to New York," I began.

"Yes."

"That’s it. Yes?"

"Sassy, get it through that thick skull of yours. I know what’s going on. I know Tom was working on a sexual scandal revealing the mayor for the slim ball he is."

"You do?"

"That’s why I’m editor, little girl. Come here." I stood, walked behind the desk and stood next to her. "Look out there." The view of the town square was beautiful at night, the street lights illuminating the landscaping, the brick walkways, the little shops.

"Nice." I said.

"No, not nice. I see a lot from here. Now, look over here." We walked to the window that looked down on the darkened news room. "And I see a lot from here. I know what’s going on, Sassy. That’s why I’m in charge."

I sighed. "So, do you want my scoop or not? I was just at the Strip Strap Club and got some good shots of the mayor with lovely Miss Tabitha, also known as Alexander Carothers."

"Good work, Sassy. Now sit down. You’re not going to like this. I’m not running it. I know what an ass he’s been about morality and this would cook his goose. I’m going to tell you something off the record. I’m working with the FBI on this one. We have incriminating evidence on a lot more than where he dips his stick. Extortion. Money laundering. You name it, Mr. Mayor is filthy. I can’t run anything negative about him now. So keep this to yourself. You went there alone, right?"

I shrank down in the big leather chair. "No."

"Shit. Who were you with?"

"Victoria and Chadwick."

"Talk to Victoria," she paused, thinking. "Just tell her we’re not the National Inquirer and I’m running an upstanding paper. Just make me out to be the bitch they all think I am." She paced. "Chadwick. He’s new. I don’t have a take on him. Victoria’s getting tight with him, huh?"
I nodded. Jeez. She really did know everything that was going on form this little panopticon where she reigned.

"Just let Victoria tell him. Second hand. It will lose its impact. Now go home and go to bed. You look awful."

"Thanks a lot." I probably did.

"And Sassy." I turned at the door. She was already back at her computer screen. "Thanks. You did the right thing. But do me a favor. Take two weeks off, okay? That’s an order."

I suppressed a smile and closed the door behind me. The bitch was a witch was a stitch.
I walked home whistling.

Entry 32

"Jambo, Jimbo," I said to the doorman, using the Swahili greeting. I’d interviewed Jimbo years before when he was coaching the high school wrestling team. He was a bouncer here and still coached on the side. Jimbo, a hulk of a man, with an afro that exaggerated his height, leaned down and gently kissed my cheek.

"Jambo, sister."

"Do you know if Tabitha is dancing tonight?"

He looked at the diamond studded watch on his large black wrist. "She should be doing her first set just about now. Enjoy."

"You seem to know everyone, Sassy," Chadwick said. I think he was impressed but I know better. I’m not impressive. I just get around. And I like people, all kinds of people. We entered the dark interior of the Strip Strap Club, a new place where I'd heard a certain dancer now performed.

Jimbo had followed us in and now spoke to a maitre de. "Front or back, Sassy?"

"Back," I said. I wanted to see everything I could.

"Working, huh?" he said in a lowered voice. I shrugged and he grinned.

Two women were dancing on stage, now, covered with the tiniest of bikini bottoms. The local and state laws varied from time to time. Sometimes it was okay to be stark naked, sometimes they had to wear a token g-string. Obviously these women had a gymnastic background and were doing interesting, almost impossible contortions with their bodies in very intimate ways.
"What would you like to drink, Sassy?" Chadwick asked as the topless waitress/dancer came to our table.

"Soda water with lime." I was sticking to my guns. Hangovers weren’t my style. I must be getting old. I used to be able to chugalug it down and never have a glimmer of a headache. Well, this was better for me—and I was getting a head start on my new year’s resolutions. Maybe they should be revolutions.

"Me too," Victoria caught my eye and smiled.

"Ah, come on, dove, you’re a tad sexier with a nip o’ the sauce," Chadwick tapped her nose.
"Nope. Sass and I have an agreement. Huh?" I nodded. We weren’t blood sisters for nothing.
The Twins, as they were called, left the stage. An announcer spoke from the side of the stage as the lights changed and a fog machine created a lake forest scene. "And now, help me welcome the one, the only Tabitha from Down Under, if you know what I mean." He laughed at his own weak joke and disappeared behind the curtains.

An exquisite woman glided unto the stage in a dewy gown of gossamer greens and golds. She was obviously a trained dancer, beautiful in form and fluidity. I was captivated but pulled my eyes away from the stage as I felt Jimbo guiding a guest toward the maitre de who seated the man in the back corner on the other side. My eyes glanced at the stage, at the twirling form, round and round, twirling she flew, one layer of gossamer faerie cloth dropping from her body after another.

I leaned back in my chair as our drinks were served and looked to the far table as the mayor ordered a drink. On stage the dancer continued to transform from a wood nymph to an almost naked exotic dancer doing very erotic motions. Damn. I wished Tom were sitting next to me.
Back to work. I pulled the miniature digital camera from my pocket and leaned close to Chadwick, focusing over his shoulder as the mayor enjoyed the show.

"Just what I like," Chadwick said, "a date with two beautiful women. Every man’s fantasy." I pulled back, forgetting he wasn’t really a friend yet, that I didn’t know him. He made me uneasy.

Tabitha slid through the crowd graciously greeting people at various tables after her set (how could she be a he?). She stood provactively at the mayor’s table. I got a tight shot as the mayor tucked a hundred dollar bill in her g-string, a long shot with my other camera. Jeez, I had to get ahold of Johnni.

Entry 31

I didn’t know where to go from my deductions. The story was still hidden in mystery. I’d have to make another appointment with Esther, a.k.a., Dr. O, and some good solid facts, not let her dissuade me.

I drove back to my place, which was a disaster. Tom and I did nothing to clean up when we were here. I crawled into bed, smelling him, yearning for him. I wanted to catch the next flight to New York but my rational mind, what was left of it, scolded me for not finishing up business. Yeah, sure, ol’ reliable Sassy even when she’s on a leave of absence.

So, what did I have to do? Meet with Esther. Go to the strip club and see if the evidence Tom had gathered was still accurate. Great. Maybe Victoria would go with me. Then talk to Johnni, give her both stories and fly off to dreamland. I rolled over, holding the pillow. Spook jumped on my back and gave me a kitty-paw massage. I started crying, the endless tears of grief that I’d blocked for too long shaking me. Spook stayed with me, purring, nuzzling me with his cold nose. Finally he stretched his body long against mine and I curled around him and fell asleep at last.

Entry 30

Tom and I waited in the security line at Fondis International Airport, talking, touching, just gazing into each other’s eyes.

"I’m sorry I have to leave so soon, Sassy. Oh, I forgot to give you this." He pulled an envelope from the inside of his sports coat and handed it to me. "An airline ticket to the Big Apple. Come whenever you want to. I have a roommate but he’s on overseas assignment so we’ll have the place to ourselves." He grinned lasciviously and I grinned back.

"Maybe I can come soon. I have to make sure Vic is okay."

"She’s okay. Did you see how she gets on with Chadwick?" I nodded, still unsure if it was happening too fast.

"And I have a few loose ends to tie up. A story I’m working on." I was thinking of Dr. O and the underground weirdness. I’d been so distracted that I hadn’t had time to ponder that setup. And then there was Danny Boy who kept showing up and always being in the right place at the right time.

"What about the mayor’s story? Have you had a chance to do anything with that?"

"No. I’ve just been crazy, Tom. I think a trip to New York would clear my brain, add new input. And put me in your arms. Remember to take care of your tattoo." We’d been moving forward slowly in line. Now he held me tight and gave me a too brief goodbye kiss and turned to walk through security. Clutching the ticket, I turned and ran from the airport to my old VW bug parked in the outlying area.

I’m so glad that Johnni got ahold of him and told him about Maggie and that he’d gotten a few days off. I missed him already. I was getting close to having that all time crying jag. But first I had to tend to some loose ends.

What about Dr. O and Danny Boy? I’d been in such a muddle that I was missing a big chunk of the puzzle. I drove down Main Street to Death by Chocolate. Victoria and I had sworn off booze after the last dreadful hangover. Chocolate was the next best thing to try and fill the void.

I pulled a small spiral notebook out of my coat pocket and began to make notes as I slurped a big bite of hot fudge, chocolate ice cream and whipped cream with nuts.

Esther, crazy old lady living in old beat up house--a façade
Also known as Dr. O-famous
Cassandra-miniature woman with unusual powers
Danny Boy—a giant assigned to look after me
What was I --Jack and the Beanstalk in reverse?

I struck out that last line. It didn’t make any sense. It was more like Alice in Wonderland but it still didn’t fit.

Cerridwen—a healer and...

And what? There was always that lingering sense of knowing her. Wait a minute. Danny Boy was from Esther’s realm but he was equally comfortable and familiar with Cerridwen. Duh. Why hadn’t I put that together before? I shoved my notebook into my pocket and stirred the hot fudge and ice cream into a goopy swirl and set to seriously enjoying it. Obviously my brain was whacked by recent events. I was an astute reporter, noting things that even cops or detectives overlooked.

I drove by Esther’s old house and parked across the street, studying not the house but the location, discerning where the underground tunnel would begin toward the back of the property. I pulled a "U" and headed back to Main Street, keeping my sense of direction active as I drove toward Cerridwen’s.

An eagle flew overhead as I stopped at the end of her driveway, sensing the angle from town to this remote setting. I needed the eyes of the eagle to figure out what was going on here. My best guess was that they were all in cahoots and the lab was directly beneath the geodesic dome. I wish I’d talked to Tom about it.

Entry 29

Victoria, Chadwick, Tom and I sat in a booth at Humpty Dumpty’s Omelet Emporium just off Main Street sharing breakfast. I smiled thinking we all looked sexually satisfied. At least something was going right. Tom pushed his knee against mine and I met his eyes. How could I have what I wanted and still want more? But I did. Our eyes lusted together.

Victoria cleared her throat. "I don’t mean to interrupt." Of course she did or she wouldn’t have done it. I pulled my eyes away and tried to focus on Victoria.

"Chadwick has a story for you." She grinned, encouraging him. "I know you’re on a leave of absence, Sass, but thought you still might be interested."

I was interested. I was always interested in a story.

"The building next to the print shop has been renovated and new owners are setting up shop. A tattoo shop, that is," Chadwick said. Victoria was right. I kept noticing what a lovely British accent he had.

"Wow. I knew we’d finally get one in Fondis. Great. Maybe you can introduce me," I said eagerly.

"Sass, I have a better idea," Victoria’s eyes sparkled. "Let’s go get a tattoo and you can write it from personal experience. We can get a tattoo to honor Maggie." Her face sobered. Mine too. But I liked the idea. The three of us had talked of it often.

"We could make it a tattoo party," Tom said.

"You’d get a tattoo?" I swung my head to look at him, wondering where on that magnificent body he’d put a tattoo. I’d have to tend to it. Wonderful.

"Why not. We could even get matching tattoos. That is, if you want," I could tell he wanted to take it back but I was considering it.

"Let’s go down there now," Victoria said squeezing Chadwick’s hand.

Chadwick introduced us to Violet, the tallest most beautiful blonde woman I’ve ever seen. What I could see of her arms was tastefully tattooed—I couldn’t tell about the rest of her body clad in white tights and a long loose white sweater. I pulled out my camera and began to shoot. The shop was immaculate, white and chrome. Oh my God. This was the last job Maggie had been working on. She’d told me about wanting it to look pristine but not too medical, with an edge of mystical. This was it. Gorgeous. Green plants in the waiting area with chrome and black leather sofa and chairs. Soft music was piped in surround-a-sound.
"You first," I said to Victoria. We explained what we wanted and Violet confirmed that Maggie had designed the tattoo parlour. She showed us artwork of the classic breast cancer pink ribbon.

"I want something more personal, something that will remind me of Maggie and not just the disease," I said. Victoria nodded.

"You know that Maggie liked Celtic designs?" Violet asked. We nodded. "I studied with the best Celtic designer in the country."

"Where?" I asked, pulling out my tape recorder.

"Santa Barbara." I’d heard of Santa Barbara Tattoo. "Let me show you my Celtic Book." Maggie could design white on white with chrome accents but this was more like her own personal taste. We hemmed and hawed over designs. Victoria and I chose a labyrinthine design that Violet rearranged, including the breast cancer icon in a subtle way. We would get different colors but the same artwork. Tom selected a design called Celtic Magic and chose the same colors I would have.

"Too many choices, loves," said Chadwick. "I’m bowing out. I’ll be your support team and take a rain check."

"Hey, that’s a cop out," Victoria teased.

"Violet and I can talk about a design later." He smiled at the lithe dermagraphologist. Was he coming onto her? I looked at Victoria to see her reaction but she’d stepped behind a screen to change. So what, he didn’t want a tattoo. It didn’t matter. Chadwick didn’t know Maggie like the three of us had.

Victoria, swathed in a white gown, rested back on a chair that looked like the best of a dental chair and a massage table. The sound of the tattoo machine was too loud for my tape recorder so I turned it off.

"Watch the mobile above your head," Violet instructed. "Now, take a deep breath. This is a blend of essential oils that will help you to relax." The calming aroma filled the room. Victoria closer her eyes. Chadwick stood on the other side of the table, watching the tall Swede who began to tattoo Victoria’s Celtic design on her left breast.

I gave Tom the high sign and we stepped into the hallway and found a back room. He pulled me into his arms and I wrapped mine around him, our lips meeting with abandon.

"Wait, Sassy."

"Wait? I’ve been waiting long enough." I grinned.

"That’s what I want to talk to you about. I’m so sorry you couldn’t get ahold of me when Maggie died. I want to explain what happened."

"And well you should." I cupped my hands along his strong jaw and nibbled at his lips.
"You know I can’t talk to you when you’re doing that." His hand slipped under my shirt, fingers seeking breasts, nipples rousing in welcome.

"Ummmhmmm," I murmured into his mouth. He tasted good, smelled good, looked good, felt good. We could talk anytime. I just wanted to feel him, feel his body on mine, his lips exploring wherever they wanted. The crown of pleasure between my legs ached for his touch. I figured Victoria would take some time to complete her tattoo so we could take an equal amount of time to…my mind went blank as my body soared in response to his promptings. He slid me gently to the plush white carpet, pulling off my pants. I was going to have to start wearing skirts for easy access. I smiled to myself.

Entry 28

God, I hated funerals. Not that this was a funeral. It was a memorial service. Cerridwen had suggested we call it a Graduation Ceremony and no one disagreed. Euphemisms. I knew all about them as a writer. I preferred to get down to the gut level and tell it like it is. None of this airy fairy hoop de doo.

Victoria and I stuck together like two halves of a seashell. I slept at her place or she stayed at mine. Spook liked it better when she was here. I kept trying to call Tom but never caught him in. And he wasn’t picking up on his cell. Vic had planned the Graduation Ceremony program with her new friend Chadwick. I think she’s getting attached too soon. But what did I know? She thought I was unrealistic about Tom, especially since his move to New York.

She was probably right. I knew I was a rebound relationship but I thought we’d at least keep our friendship when he moved. We’d been good friends for too long to lose that. But it seemed like it was gone. He would have called me. Wouldn’t he? He was the only guy I’d ever felt comfortable around the way I felt with my women friends. I didn’t want to lose that even if I lost a potential partner.

I didn’t want to loose him in that way either. God, he was great in bed. I couldn’t believe how sexually compatible we were. I was quite willing to wait for a trip to New York to see if we still sparked. Maybe I should go to New York now, while I had time off. I’d talk to Victoria about it. See what she thinks. That is, if he ever calls me and it’s okay with him. He might as well be on Jupiter for all the communication we’d had of late. He still didn’t know about Maggie.

Victoria and I sat in the first row of All Saints Episcopal Church, the row reserved for the Women’s Group, Maggie’s family. Chadwick sat on the other side of her, holding her hand.
The minister was a sprite of a young woman with bubbling blonde curls and sparkling eyes, like a faerie with a clerical collar. Cerridwen stood next to her. My mind was numb, the words skimming over my brain and not registering. Someone slipped into the space next to me. I scooted over, staring blindly at the virgin Mary in stained glass. Victoria elbowed me. I glared at her. Did it matter if I paid attention? She was as bad as my mother when I was a kid daydreaming in church. Victoria raised her eyebrows and nodded her head in my direction.

Whatever.

A large, warm hand slipped over my left one and squeezed. Wide eyed I turned. Tom. Beloved, wonderful Tom. Oh, their was a god or goddess helping me somewhere. His eyes were sad as he leaned his shoulder to mine. I always hated sitting in the front row and I hated it more now. I wanted to hug him, kiss him, let him show me how to be alive again. Instead, I squeezed back, hard, bit my lower lip, and hoped we were almost finished.

People in the community were beginning to get up and tell stories about Maggie, about how she’d helped them, what she’d done for this or that organization, how she’d helped out in the soup line on Thanksgiving, things like that. None of the women from the group spoke. I think we’d already said our blessings to her.

As the organ played the recessional, Victoria leaned close and spoke quietly in my ear. "I’m going with Chadwick after the reception. Do we call it a reception? Anyway, we’re going out to dinner. And it looks like you won’t need any company tonight anyway." She grinned. "I’ll call you tomorrow."

I nodded, feeling Tom’s hand on my waist, guiding me down the aisle. Down the aisle. Not up the aisle. Where’d that thought come from? I really was out of it. He pulled me aside and down a quiet hallway.

"Are you okay?" He cupped my face in his hands.

"No." My lips quivered. I’d held up fine until that moment. Shit. I swallowed hard. Not now. I couldn’t cry now. I grabbed him, pushing my face into his shoulder, hurting breaths raging through my throat as I resisted the sobbing pain. Not now. I held him tighter, his hard, firm body like a mast in a storm, steady, holding me when my sails had torn asunder.

Entry 27

An exotic blend of aromas whirled through the air inside the dome, smudge, incense, essential oils and the sweet blending of women’s bodies. We’d greeted each other quietly, hugging, murmuring, sniffing, weeping, laughing quietly. I wasn’t certain how we would proceed. Victoria broke the ice.

"We all know Maggie liked fancy undies," she said pulling a red lace bra and matching panties from her backpack.

"Um hum, beautiful," Erin said.

"I just don’t know how to attach them to the outside of the…uh…I hate the word casket." Victoria’s eyes puddled.

"How about dais?" Deirdre suggested. No one disagreed.

"Use duct tape," said the ever practical Lady of the Lake. That got the ball rolling as Cerridwen shuffled off in search of a roll of tape and Victoria positioned the garments on the lid of the "dais." Shit. It was a coffin. Might as well call a spade a spade. However I did understand the reluctance we all felt toward the oblong container.

"I want to draw her picture," Johnni said. What? It was always weird when Johnni came to the group. I clamed up. I mean, what else could I do with my boss in an intimate circle of my friends. I couldn’t get down and deep with her around. She pulled out a rainbow of magic markers and began to draw Maggie’s beautiful face. Beautifully. Who knew Johnni could draw. I was overwhelmed by my own limitations.

"I brought photos of us all at her last birthday party," BooBoo sobbed. She handed us each a photo of ourselves with Maggie. Fuck. I was going to loose it. I drew in my breath, let it out slowly. Not now. Not here. BooBoo handed me a glue stick. I sank to the floor and concentrated on attaching the photo.

Victoria stuffed the duct taped bra with the artificial breasts Maggie used after the double mastectomy. Johnni painted the drawn toenails purple.

"That’s beautiful, Johnni," Deirdre said. "Now, add her chakras." Johnni frowned. "Here. I’ll point them out and tell you the colors. Start here with red." She continued to work with Johnni while the rest of us added our own momentos, drawings, poetry, last good-byes. The Lady of the Lake glued brightly colored gemstones on the chakra drawings.

Our chatter gradually fell to silence and we looked at the end result more glorious than a pharaoh’s sarcophagus, sparkling with glitter, gem stones glued in a mosaic of color and all of our heartache resting so tenderly before us. I wanted to moan my loss but bit my lower lip instead.

The sound began to rise from my gut, joining the others who spontaneously began to "Om." Over and over, low and high tones rising and falling in harmony, on and on into the eternity where Maggie now walked. We were all sitting around the coffin, okay, dais, holding hands. The energy swirled through me. I was one with these women, with Maggie. She was gone in body but I felt her spirit zing about the room in joy. Jeez, I was beginning to sound like one of them. The Om stopped but we continued to hold hands.

"How did Maggie feel about her breasts?" Cerridwen asked. I was startled by her direct question.

"Awful," Victoria volunteered. "You know she had perfect breasts. I mean, really perfect. That’s the irony of it, isn’t it? She was dating, uh, well, you all know who she was dating. He dropped her as soon as she was scheduled for surgery. That was her biggest fear. That she was incomplete without her breasts." She reached out and patted the stuffed bra.

"And how do each of you feel about your breasts?" Cerridwen pushed. Shit. As a women’s group, we’d touched a lot of areas, but not this one.

"Too big."

"Too little."

"You can fix that condition," Johnni said. I looked at her breasts and wondered if she had.

"Lopsided," Victoria said. I shot her a glance and shook my head.

"Self conscious."

"Sagging."

"Embarrassed."

"Inadequate."

"No positive comments?" Cerridwen asked.

"Good for nursing babies."

"Fine if they’re no men around."

"And how do you feel about your thumb?" Cerridwen continued. We all laughed.

"Neutral."

"It’s very useful."

"I don’t suck mine anymore." We were still giggling and studying our thumbs.

"Body parts," Cerridwen said. "For some reason different body parts get assigned a social position. Breasts are as functional and unique as thumbs. Start looking at people’s thumbs. You don’t judge by them but you will notice they are unique. Do you love your body?"

"Sure."

"Sometimes."

"Some parts." Again laughter.

"Love your whole body," Cerridwen said "Maggie was trying to love her body. It was a bigger challenge when it was altered by surgery but she finally did love it. She never let you see her inner turmoil. That was her way. Maggie made a contract before she incarnated to clear this condition not only for herself but for others. This was her task, self assigned. I know for some of you that is a hard concept to embrace. She cleared it generationally and she cleared it for you. She wanted you to love your body. Look at your body."

I looked down at my old sweat shirt, my legs crossed in a half lotus. It was a pretty good body, served me well. I admit I’ve misused it a bit of late. Shit. I wanted a sip of wine right now. Did my body?

"No. Look at your body. Really look." Cerridwen pulled the sweater over her head and unsnapped her bra, letting her breasts drop low toward her belly. "Yes, look at my body." She cupped her hands under her breasts, lifting them. "Gravity gets us all if we’re lucky." She chuckled, letting them go. "Look at your breasts."

I hesitated and figured what the hell. I pulled off my sweat shirt and looked at my breasts. I’d skipped the bra part today. They too were giving it up to gravity a bit. My areola, pink, nipples, pink. Not those dark beautiful breasts like Victoria had but pink was good.

"Now look at each other’s breasts. They are not to be ashamed of—just look. Look in awe at the wonder of the body. This is a time to honor the body, to love your own body so you can completely love others." Wow, I was liking this down to earth spirituality. My eyes roamed around the circle slowly from breast to breast, the lovely shape and difference of them all, the magic of the hidden revealed. Why were we so hung up on our breasts? Morgan was nursing her baby when my eyes came to her breasts and I smiled. Perfect. All our breasts were indeed perfect.

"Hold your breasts. Tell them you love them." We all giggled and talked to our wonderful body parts.

Cerridwen poured a small vial of water into a bowl and stirred it with her finger. "This is holy earth from Chimayo. And holy water."

"Holy mud," I quipped. Some laughed.

"Indeed, holy mud. I will anoint Deirdre to my left, asking blessings not only for her breasts but for her body, her life choices, her higher self, her oversoul." She dabbed the holy mud on Deirdre’s lovely breasts and handed her the bowl. Each woman in turn honored the woman to her left.

"Now stretch your arms to the side," Cerridwen said. We started to scoot back. "No. Just as you are. Each hand will hold the breast of the woman on either side of you. Do this in honor of the Divine Feminine. We cannot fear that which we know from a place of goodwill and love."I slid my hand under Victoria’s familiar breast, my other one under Johnni’s, wondering if it had been enhanced but not really caring. It didn’t matter. We were a circle of women honoring our bodies. It felt right in some ancient way.

"Maggie is pleased with this understanding." Cerridwen’s eyes were closed, her old half naked body rocking slightly. "She wants you all to know that she is free of the body and with us in spirit. Go gently forth and love yourself so you may love others." Cerridwen drew her hands over her heart in a prayer position and we all followed suit. I hugged Victoria and then Johnni.
We all stood and filed into the small kitchen to eat.

Entry 26

I walked along freshly shoveled sidewalks pondering my meeting with Johnni. Until this very moment I’ve considered myself a good judge of character. My mother’s words came back to me. ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ Had I been doing that? I turned left at my alley, slogging through deep snow until I got to the gate in the old picket fence in front of my house. Snow drifted to the top of it and my snow shovel was on the back porch. I eased over the fence and waded toward the front door.

Spook yowled, scolding me for leaving him alone last night. He still had dry food in his bowl but he wanted canned food and would I please hurry up. I scooped him up in my arms and hugged him.

"Sweet Spook, I missed you too." I kissed him on the ear and he flicked it and jumped out of my arms, twitching his tail at me. "Okay. First priority. Feed Spook." I opened a can of cat food and served him in his royal dish.

Pulling off my wet, torn pants, I shivered, a chill to the bone. Another hot shower brought me warmth and focus. I called Victoria.

"Hi, Vic. Can you pick me up and take me to my car? I’m at home. And is my cell charged yet?"

"First tell me what happened. Did she fire you?"

"Pick me up. It’s a long story. I’ll buy lunch." I remembered to pull the hundred out of my jeans pocket and stuff it in my dry cords.

I called Tom but got no answer. I wanted to tell him about Maggie but wasn’t about to leave that kind of message on his voice mail. I mumbled something and hung up.

***
After lunch, Victoria drove us to the mortuary where we sat in a small room talking to Reginald Stoker, a balding, pot bellied sleaze ball of a mortician.

"There is nothing to take care of. Ms. Maggie McLoughlin’s lawyer took care of all the details early this morning. Cremation. Head stone. She’d written it all out in her will." Why didn’t we know that? Victoria and I glanced at each other. She shrugged a shoulder.

"We would like to decorate the cremation coffin," I said, not knowing if decorate was the right word or not—or if it was possible. Victoria rolled her bloodshot eyes and looked out the window.

"Yes, of course. She indicated in the will that you two would want to fill in the details. The legal side is all zipped up. No problems there. So just tell me what you’d like." He smiled. He needed to see a dentist.

***
Danny Boy pulled the milk truck in next to Victoria’s old Honda and parked. I stared at him in astonishment, my constant expression where he was concerned.

"I was just going to call you—can you help us with the cremation casket?"

"Cerridwen told me to take it to her place," he rumbled. "I’ll pull around back and pick it up. Want to follow me back?" I nodded and looked at Victoria who was still in a daze.

We watched as Danny Boy and a mortuary worker loaded the big cardboard casket into the back of the milk truck and strapped it in. Victoria followed Danny Boy’s lumbering vehicle out of the parking lot.

"What are we doing, Sassy?"

"I don’t know. I just know we have to make it special. I think we need to talk to Cerridwen."

"You’re starting to sound like Deirdre." I knew she was teasing but it pissed me off.

I sulked until we turned on Skyline Drive. A herd of deer started at our passing, leaping over the fence line. The pine trees grew denser. A jackrabbit hopped across the road and Victoria slowed. Danny Boy turned again and I lost my sense of direction. Clouds gobbled the sun. I was glad I’d walked in the last time I’d come here. But that path was probably snowbound now. I couldn’t see the geodesic dome from this angle. Clever architecture to hide it so well in plain sight.

We followed Danny Boy up the front walk. He rang the chimes and opened the front door, calling out. Cerridwen with Deirdre in her shadow welcomed us.

Danny Boy was gone and Deirdre was anointing my palms with essential oils and mumbling some hocus pocus. She and Cerridwen had been "centering" us inviting in the balance of our inner being. Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Cerridwen finally settled on the other side of the dining room table facing us. "Tell me what your plans are for the casket," she said.

"I’m not sure. I think we should invite everyone in the women’s group to join us, to bring photos or make drawings or whatever, to decorate the casket."

"We can all make phone calls and tell everyone," Victoria said.

"We’ll do it here, in the healing studio." Cerridwen was offering a space. I was relieved. I didn’t really have any idea what we would do next. This was a perfect place to all gather and do what I’d envisioned. "I want to do a ceremony with all the women after we’ve finished decorating," she continued. Victoria and I nodded.

Deirdre was a regular in the Women’s Group. Cerridwen visited on rare occasions. Victoria, Deirdre and I pulled out our cell phones. Cerridwen used the ground line. In no time everyone in the group had been contacted.

Entry 25

I stood in the doorway to Johnni’s office, steadying myself against the door jam. Johnni looked up from her cluttered desk and hung up the phone.

"It’s about time." Her voice grated on my ears. "I need to talk to you."

Maybe she’d just fire me and I wouldn’t have to put up with the berating. My head felt twice its size and I was having a hard time keeping it in place. I headed for the big black leather chair and eased my way into it. Rachel hung back, listening for the harangue that was sure to come. Then she’d be the first to tell the newsroom. She annoyed me.

"That will be all Rachel. Close the door behind you," Johnni snapped. She rose from her swivel chair without speaking. I leaned back slowly, letting my head rest against the soft leather. Cactus spines pierced my skull. I closed my eyes enough so I could just see through my lashes. I had no energy to fight back today. Just fire me and get it over with. Maybe I’d go to New York and look for a job. Tom probably would have plenty of connections by now. Johnni paced back and forth in front of the big picture window that overlooked the town square, the perfect location for her predatory instincts. She’d scooped a lot of stories just by looking out that third floor window.

Jeez. I wish she’d just get on with it. Her brow was furrowed, too much expression for her nicely tucked up face. Johnni wasn’t like most reporters I knew, even though she’d once been one of us. I don’t know how many years she’d been the editor but her façade upgraded with her salary. She shopped in New York City, had her hair cut there and kept up with the latest styles. I glanced down at my rumpled, torn jeans and ratty old down jacket. I didn’t give a fuck. Johnni’s red silk suit looked as sharp as her nose. Finally she turned and faced me.

"Sassy, we’ve had our differences," she started. Fuck, she was going to go through the whole litany. I was her problem child, the errant reporter, the fuck up who couldn’t keep a deadline and yata yata.

"Yeah," I said, my eyelids at half mast now.

"Do you know why you work here?" I hadn’t expected that question. I sat up straighter, opened my eyes more. She stared at me with unflinching green eyes. The color changed as she changed her contact lenses like jewelry.

"I love writing the stories people tell. I work here because I can write here and…" I was at a total loss. What did she want from me? Why wasn’t she yelling?

"I hired you. You know why? You remind me of myself at your age." Huh? She must have had more face lifts than I thought. I figured we were the same age.

"How’s that?" I’d stay in reporter mode and keep her talking. I had no clue where this might be going. We were as different as night and day.

"I know you think I’m the queen of bitches. No. Don’t quibble. We’re more alike than you want to admit. It doesn’t matter. I’ve climbed the ladder and when I watch you, you’re my surrogate. You still can do the outrageous stories that are no longer appropriate for me." She walked around the side of her desk, and sat on the edge, leaning back into a stack of folders.

"I let you go. I let you follow that instinctive nose of yours to find stories. I can’t let all my reporters do that. We wouldn’t have a paper. But you have a true sense of it, you find out what others would miss, you bring a life to the paper that makes it the award winning newspaper that we’re all proud of." I’d framed all my Colorado Press Association awards and they took up wall space behind my computer, reminding me that sometimes I did write good stuff.

"I know what’s going on. I know what you’ve been going through. I have a sense for news just like you do. I was worried about you when Tom left but you seemed to pull it off. Now with Maggie gone, I want you to take time off. Get your life back together. I know I’ve piled too much on you lately and you’ve been covering three beats. I couldn’t even do that. Yes, I yell at you because I want to yell at myself sometimes." She paused and crossed one leg over the other, the silk skirt riding above her knee.

I squirmed in the chair, looking at her more closely. How had I misjudged her? Was I that defensive that I couldn’t see what she was telling me?

"Don’t worry about your copy. I’ve hired two new reporters, one from the Seattle PI and one from the LA Times. They’ll be hot on trying to impress me as they discover a very different life here in Fondis. You take two weeks off. Take care of everything you need to about Maggie." I heard her voice choke and looked at her with surprise.

"You knew Maggie?" I didn’t know that.

"Who do you think designed this fancy office of mine? Maggie. She was always scolding me about clearing the clutter and trying to focus me on the feng shui of the office. I don’t work that way. And neither do you."

Johnni was knocking my socks off. I didn’t realize how much she’d observed me and knew about me. That made me uneasy on the one hand and cared for on the other. I didn’t want to care about shit. I liked her better as the bitch, not a friend of Maggie’s. Shit. And what was this two week off thing all about?

"I’ll be fine. I need to work," I said.

"Sassafras Cambridge, you will take two weeks off." That sounded more like the Johnni I’d come to know and hate. Good.

"Johnni, I need the money," I countered. It was true. I needed every paycheck and especially now with the holidays coming and my car needing a tune up and, and everything.

"Sassy, it is a paid leave of absence. If you need more than two weeks, we’ll make it four. You’ll get your regular paycheck and I’d advancing your Christmas bonus now."

"I don’t know what to say." I just stared at her.

"Nothing. It’s not our pattern, this conversation. And Sassy, if you need any money to cover expenses for Maggie, just ask me."

Jeez. I nodded.

"That’s all. You don’t have to say anything about our conversation to anyone." She opened the door. "Now get out of my office," she said in a loud voice and slipped a hundred dollar bill in my hand. Turning, she winked at me and marched back to her desk.